Samantha Schutz

I MOVED!

2010-09-23T10:34:00.004-04:00

My new blog is at my freshly redesigned website!
http://www.samanthaschutz.net/

See you there.

Sometimes people ask...

2010-09-16T16:00:00.000-04:00

Q: I’m an aspiring author. Can you give me some tips?
A: Read and write as much as you can. It seems deceptively simple, but I think those are the keys. Also, being in a writing class or critique group is helpful. That way you can get feedback and bounce ideas off of people.

One of my favorite authors, Ellen Hopkins, has done a masterful job of answering this question and so many others. Check “For Writers” at www.ellenhopkins.com.

Q: Are you working on a new book?
A: Book #3 is in the early planning stages. All I’ll say about it now, is that I need to go to Thailand to do research!

Q: Where do you get your inspiration?
A: Everywhere. From my life, from my friends’ lives . . . But lately I’ve been into listening to podcasts. I’m addicted to “The Moth” and “This American Life.” “The Moth” is a live taping of people telling true stories--without notes. “This American Life” has all sorts of fiction and nonfiction stories—often with unique twists. A story I heard on “This American Life” actually inspired the idea for my third book.

Q: Why do you write in verse?
A: This is how I’ve always written. When I was younger I was an avid journal writer and my writing never really came out in complete sentences — more like fragments. But as the years have gone by, I’ve learned to play with the format more. Writing in verse gives me the opportunity to lead the reader in a way that’s more aggressive than traditional prose. By changing the line breaks or the way the words are spaced out, I can give a different effect. I can really stress something. Or I can lead a reader to think one thing, and then have it revealed as another when you read the next line. I get to be tricky. (For example, read the excerpt below from You Are Not Here and pay attention to the seventh and eighth lines.)

There are men digging Brian’s grave.
They are digging a hole
in the cool earth,
on a hot day for the boy who has occupied
my thoughts and my heart
for the last three months,
for the boy I lost
my virginity to,
for the boy I think I loved.

Another great thing about writing a novel in verse is how spare I can be. I try to use my words wisely. (BTW, the phrase “use my words wisely” is something I would definitely delete in the editing process. I never want to use phrases that my reader can complete on his/her own. I think it makes the work less unique and the reader less engaged.) And I often try to use as few words as possible. Writing in verse allows me to cut out all the fat and just get to the meat — the emotions — of the story.

Q: Who are some of your favorite poets, contemporary or classic?
A: Erica Jong, Louise Glück, Dorothy Parker, Sylvia Plath, Anne Sexton. And those are just the women…

Q: What are some of your favorite books?
A:
It’s Kind of a Funny Story by Ned Vizzini
Burn Journals by Brent Runyon
Crank by Ellen Hopkins
Stop Pretending: What Happened when My Big Sister Went Crazy by Sonya Sones
The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plat
Water for Elephants by
The Journals of Anais Nin
Fortress of Solitude by Jonathan Lethem

More posts to come soon!

My Writing Process (aka: type. type. coffee. muffin. type. facebook. type. type. twiter. type. nap.

2010-09-12T20:48:00.007-04:00

People ask how I have a day job and still write books—especially a day job that involves kids’ books. The first part of the answer is that for the most part, I didn’t work on You Are Not Here (or I Don't Want to Be Crazy) during the work week. Maybe I’d tinker for a few minutes if something was on my mind…but that would never last too long. When I get home from work I want to see friends, watch TV, cook, sleep. The only times that I worked a lot during the week were right before deadlines. And it sucked to have to go to a café after work (to stare at yet another computer screen) for a few hours. I was beat, but I knew the extra work was worth it.

Looking back, it’s hard to imagine that You Are Not Here was written little by little on the weekends—only three to four hours at a time. So, if you’re curious what the not-so-glamorous weekend life of a writer looks like, here it is:

Wake up by ten.
Do not snooze the alarm.
Do not turn on TV.
Shower.
Do not even look at the bed.
Go get coffee and a muffin.

Come back and make breakfast.
Eat breakfast while checking email.
Do not look at the bed.
Start reviewing wherever I left off the last time I worked on the manuscript.
Frequently check email, facebook, twitter .
Work for 3-4 hours.
Nap.

For better or worse, I often read from the beginning of the manuscript or the beginning of the section I was working on…that sucked up a lot of time, but I think it helped. It naturally led me to the part I wanted to work on that day. Another way I would begin would be by typing up poems or ideas that I had written in my journal while on my 30-40 minute subway ride to work. A surprising amount of the book was born this way. I don’t know what it is about the subway that makes me so productive. Maybe it’s that I am moving? Maybe it’s all the people around me? Or maybe, despite insisting that I am NOT a morning person, my brain is perkier than I thought it could ever be at 8am. So, once that poem was typed up and tweaked, maybe I’d slot it into the manuscript. Or maybe I’d put in a different doc and save it for later. Or maybe I’d decide it was crap and not use it at all (I always save these discarded bits in a doc named "where poems go to die.")

So once my ass was firmly planted in the seat and I was staring at the laptop, I usually only lasted about three hours. And that includes lots of checking email and facebook. But eventually I would get distracted by the bed or the TV and take a break…that would turn into a nap…and then I was done for.

To prevent TV watching and napping, I’d often go to a café in my neighborhood. It was great since that way I could have access to all the coffee and food I wanted. And there’d be enough background noise to keep me sane, but not so much that I’d get distracted.

I almost always write with music on. It keeps me from getting too distracted by other things (but there is no way I could ever write with the TV on). The music I’m listening to can’t be too fast or too loud. When I was writing YANH I listened to a lot of Sigur Ros (perfect since it’s in a different language), Metric, Yelle, Tegan & Sarah, and Bon Iver. Whenever I hear any of those albums now, it’s like listening to the soundtrack to YANH.

Through the writing process, I realized how much I need solitude (something that I will try to keep in mind for my third book). When it was getting close to the due date for the first draft, I spent a few days in Western Massachusetts. While a friend went to a yoga retreat during the day, I worked on YANH at the house we were staying at. Or I would work on the grounds of the retreat. It was great. I was able to sit for many, many hours at a time and get some serious work done--without any distractions. And it definitely helped that I didn’t know the password for the wifi.

The weekend before the first draft was due, I stayed at my parents’ house. They were out of town and the house was nice and quiet (and there was a fridge stocked with food). So I sat on the back deck and worked for hours on end. It was one of the first times that I felt there just weren't enough hours in the day. I guess, for me, there’s nothing quite as motivating as a looming deadline.

A long-ish bio (but a whole lot shorter than my memoir)

2010-09-03T12:28:00.008-04:00

Elementary school started out okay. I have a few select memories from kindergarten: a student’s grandfather, an Italian chef, coming to our class to cook squid on a hot plate; building a toy car out of pieces of wood; and putting milk money into a very, very small brown envelope.
The next few years were mostly all right. The highs included: performing as Jackie and the Beanstalk in a third-grade play, reading Choose Your Own Adventure books (and always cheating), and getting up to “knee-zies” in Chinese jump rope. The lows included: hiding in the bathroom whenever math homework was collected in the fifth grade, frequent feelings of déjà vu, and being told I had “skeleton hands” by the boy I had a crush on.

Sixth grade was the beginning of a new era—private school—where the classes were small and my inability to do math was quickly discovered. This is also when I wrote my first short story. It was based on an old photograph of a woman standing in the woods with her back to the camera. [Click the image to see it bigger.]

My teacher gave me an A, something I didn’t often get. My parents went crazy for the story, and my seeming maturity. The consensus was that I had talent.

At some point in high school I started keeping a journal. Every few months I’d go to the drug store to buy a new marble composition book. I’d spend a lot of time decorating the cover with stickers, drawings, photos, and cut outs from magazines. And when I thought the cover was sufficiently cool, I’d start writing in it.

When I was a senior in high school, I took AP Writing. Our teacher required us to write ten journal pages a week. I think I was one of the few students in the class that didn’t mind. But by then I was already a journal addict. I couldn’t go anywhere without it. And if I left my notebook at home by mistake, I would write on scraps of paper, napkins, my hand, anything. (This was also the year I discovered Anais Nin--the queen of journal writing.)

There were two things I loved most about having a journal. The first was that it filled my time. Waiting for a train? No problem. Stuck on the bus? All set. Trying to ignore my classmates during my free period? Super. The second thing I loved was how my journals felt. Not the weight of the book, but the pages. I loved running my hands over my writing, over the impressions made by my pen. It was like my own version of Braille.

After high school, I went to Skidmore College in upstate New York. I still kept journals at the time, but used them less and less. At school, I focused on creative writing and literature, but also took several art and dance classes. I had all sorts of jobs while in college. I worked in the school cafeteria and The Children’s Museum at Saratoga. I also assisted a genius English professor for three years.

Toward the end of college, I got my first taste of being published. Several of my poems (and one photograph) were included in the 1999 and 2000 editions of Folio, Skidmore’s literary Journal. I also spent a momentous semester abroad in Paris my junior year. (All this and so much more is covered in I Don’t Want to Be Crazy—a memoir based on my experiences from ages 17 to about 21.)

After college I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I knew I wanted to do something that involved kids, art, and writing—I just wasn’t sure how to put it all together. Happily, by the end of the summer, I scored a job as an Editorial Assistant at Simon & Schuster Children’s Books. While there I read manuscript submissions, made photocopies, filed papers, wrote oodles and oodles of copy for the back covers of books, and eventually edited some books. After several years at S&S, I took a job at Scholastic where I edited mostly licensed books (those are books based on TV shows, movies, games, etc). After a working at Scholastic, I moved on to my current job at Penguin as a Senior Editor. At Penguin, I work on all sorts of projects, but I mainly edit licensed books for kids.

I currently live in Brooklyn, NY and can often be found sitting on my porch (ok, this is just a really big fire escape), going to the farmers’ market, making pancakes, and listening to “This American Life Podcast” while on the subway. I also like to go to events like The Moth, Rooftop Films, and the Air Guitar Championships.

My first book, I Don’t Want to Be Crazy, is a memoir about anxiety disorder written in verse. My second book, You Are Not Here, is a verse-novel about grief and loss. I am currently working on my third book for young adults and plan to take a trip to Thailand for research. If all goes according to plan, the book could be on shelves by late 2012.

Where Does Inspiration Come From?

2010-09-01T16:48:00.006-04:00

After writing my memoir, I Don’t Want to Be Crazy, I was eager to try fiction. Eager, but totally stumped as how to begin. When I wrote I Don’t Want to Be Crazy, I knew the story, the characters, the setting, the ending. But when I started developing You Are Not Here, all I knew was that there was a teenage girl whose boyfriend died, and that he is buried very close to her house. That was it. That was all I had. At times, it was scary to think that every moment — every word — had to come from somewhere inside my brain. I have some friends who write fiction, and they think that all those possibilities are freeing (and that writing a memoir would be considerably harder), but it was the opposite for me. So I started with what I knew…

We all struggle with loss (including losing touch with a friend, moving away, or someone dying) and I very am interested in how people cope with those feelings. Much to my surprise, I found that when I was working on You Are Not Here, I could draw on my own experiences—even the saddest of them. For example, when I was nineteen, a friend of my best friend died suddenly. While I had only met this girl a few times, her death reminded me that scary, unexpected things can and do happen. Also, there are people that I’ve dated or been friends with that are no longer part of my life…and on some days that void seems really big, and I start wondering things like: What is that person doing right now? What would my life be like if that person were still in it? And finally, on a lighter note, I’ve had a few “sort-of-boyfriends” like Brian and have plenty of experiences to draw from.

I wish I could do some sort of annotated manuscript or interactive website where you could click on a part of You Are Not Here and it would tell you the real story behind the inspiration. [You'll be able to see some inspiration photos in a later post.] For starters, an important photo from Annaleah’s past is based on an actual photo of me as a baby. Names of people in the book are based on people in my family. Even one of the final scenes is VERY heavily based on an experience I had when I was about seventeen. Or at least it’s based on what I remember all these years later.

I am also very inspired by the books I read, the art I see, the music I listen to. While I was working on the manuscript for You Are Not Here, I was reading The Bell Jar and had been to see a Francis Bacon show at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Both of those things found a direct way into the book. Also, I’ve been into listening to podcasts lately. I’m addicted to “The Moth” and “This American Life.” “The Moth” is a live taping of people telling true stories--without notes. “This American Life” has all sorts of fiction and nonfiction stories—often with unique twists. A story I heard on “This American Life” actually inspired the idea for my third book. But that's another story... :)

The Life Cycle of You Are Not Here

2010-09-01T11:58:00.019-04:00

Only 30 days until You Are Not Here launches! To celebrate I'll be doing several new blog posts about my writing process, inspiration, behind the scenes info, and more. So check back every few days for something new!

People often ask me, "How long does it take to make a book?" I still don't have a good answer (besides: somewhere between a few weeks and a lifetime). But I can tell you how long it took to write You Are Not Here...and how long it took to get from the manuscript stage to a finished book!

-----------

Summer 2006
Sitting in a work meeting, a coworker says something like: “Wow. That would be a crazy place to live.” The first thing I think of is that it would be weird to live across the street from a cemetery. Later, I think it’d be even weirder to live across the street from a cemetery if someone you cared about were buried there. Then this little idea becomes a bigger idea. What if a teenage girl’s boyfriend suddenly died and was buried outside of her window? At first I think that I would make it about really lovely relationship, but soon realize (or was it my editor who told me?) that happy relationships are boring (to write or read about anyway). After telling my editor, David Levithan, this idea he suggests making the boyfriend already dead on page one. And so it went… (Only now, the cemetery is a few blocks from her house. It seemed like overkill to have it be right out her window.)

INTERMISSION

I toy with the idea a bit, do some reading about religions and burial practices, read books about grief...start working on an outline and some sample poems.

September 22, 2008
Email my awesome editor the concept for You Are Not Here (which is about 20 pages of poems and story notes mixed together) and ask if we can have lunch to talk. I feel pretty nervous, but I want his feedback to see if he thinks I’ve got something. I assume lunch will entail him giving me ideas/suggestions…then I’d go off and rework and formally submit the proposal to him.

September 23, 2008
Miraculously, David and I schedule lunch for the next day. While sitting at an outdoor Soho café, David tells me he loves the proposal and doesn’t need me to rework it. He wants to show it to his colleagues at Scholastic to see if he can acquire it. This is highly shocking!

I sold my first book, I Don’t Want to Be Crazy, without an agent and wanted to do things differently this time around. So, the search for an agent becomes a lot more pressing. I make lots of phone calls, read lots of agent websites, poll author friends, etc.

October 10, 2008
Send first choice agent, Barry Goldblatt, my proposal. http://bgliterary.com/

October 14, 2008
Meet with Barry. It’s a love fest. We decide to work together!

October 16, 2008
David makes Barry an offer—and it’s for two books! I wonder, can I handle two books—especially when I have no clue what the next one will be about? I get more than a little freaked out, but Barry talks me through it. We accept the offer!

INTERMISSION
Work, work, work. Coffee, cafes, visits to cemetery, muffins, reading about religion.

June 15, 2009
Send first draft to David. Finger crossed!

INTERMISSION
Excitement turns to nervousness. Why hasn’t David gotten back to me? Is the manuscript that bad? Mild panic is soothed when David tells me he’s workload is really backed up and it’s going to take awhile to get back to me.

September 10, 2009
Get general comments from David. He says, “I think what you’ve written is fantastic – thoroughly disturbing at first, then with the right veins of hope toward the end. The writing itself is nearly flawless – you capture her voice perfectly, and the verse is deeply effective in its starkness.”

I may be a teensy bit too excited that he called it “disturbing.” But that sounds like a compliment to me.

September 11, 2009
We meet for lunch and David gives me various general “homework assignments” about things he’s like to see developed. Among other things, he wants more about Annaleah and her mom and more happy flashbacks about Brian and Annaleah together.

Work for about a month on the homework poems. It feels strange--but good--to be writing again after a few months off.

November 5, 2009
See first cover. LOVE IT! But later find out that there is another YA cover that is very similar and we will have to rethink our plans. Sad. (And yes, my last name is mispelled. I'm used to it by now.)

November 8, 2009
Send David second draft! This includes all the new “homework poems.”

December 28, 2009
Get amazing comments back from David. “As you’ll see, I think it’s in wonderful shape – I’d say the mass majority of my comments are words of praise. It’s really come together beautifully – I think the additions you’ve made really deepen the work, and that you’ve conveyed Annaleah’s experience is a genuinely moving (if at times profoundly sad) way.”

Review David’s edits. Accept most (after all, David is a genius). Reject some.

January 11, 2010
Send David third and final draft!

February 3, 2010
See second cover. Do NOT love it. It's good, but not great. Have VERY long talks with friends (especially ones who are designers/artists). Have long talk with Barry (my agent) about my concerns.

February 12, 2010
Get copyedited manuscript from David. The copy editor (the person who goes through the manuscript with a fine toothed comb and notices all sorts of errors) seessome really funny typos. Also, it is clear that I do not know how to use commas. CE also noticed some creepy typos. For example, on two separate occasions I use the word “widow” instead of “window.” (color key to image below: yellow is the copyeditor, blue is my editor, red is me.)

February 22, 2010
Return copy edited manuscript.

March 4, 2010
See third and final cover and LOVE IT! Hurray!
As an editor it is SO hard not to make notes about nerdy things like leading (the amount space in-between the lines), fonts, colors, etc. I do send excessive notes, but I am pretty sure that I will be ignored. I need to be the author not the editor here.

March 11, 2010
Get first pass (aka “pages”). This is the first time I see the manuscript designed and looking like an actual book. It’s real. And really big! I make some additions and deletions.

March 22, 2010
Return first pass (aka 1P) with comments.

March 28, 2010
See and return 2P. Perfecto!

May 21, 2010
Twitter post: “galleys are in for You Are Not Here. if you see a crazy person runnin thru Soho, throwing people aside & muttering ‘it's here!’ that's me!”

August 25, 2010
Get first copy of You Are Not Here. Run around the office like a lunatic showing anyone and everyone that will talk to me.

October 1, 2010
You Are Not Here goes on sale…

Let's celebrate the launch of my new book, You Are Not Here!

2010-08-30T11:43:00.004-04:00

To celebrate the 10/1 launch of my first novel, You Are Not Here, I am going to write 10 new blog posts in the next 30 days. Check them out starting 9/1.

Among other things, they'll be about my writing process, inspiration, and my favorite: behind the scenes photos of the real places the book is based on.

More to come soon!

Pre-order here!

Great round-up of YA books in verse

2010-07-26T16:34:00.002-04:00

Great article from School Library Journal about YA books in verse! This list should keep you all busy for awhile.

By Jill Heritage Maza -- School Library Journal, 06/01/2010

A little more than 15 years ago, novels-in-verse began appearing on publishers' YA lists. Titles such as Virginia Euwer Wolff's Make Lemonade and Mel Glenn's Who Killed Mr. Chippendale? tackled meaty issues including teen pregnancy and school violence. Through verse, these authors were able to craft authentic teen voices and amplify a story's emotional punch, all at a pace impossible to reach through prose. Shortly thereafter, Karen Hesse's Out of the Dust segued the verse novel from teen problem novel to middle-grade historical fiction. Now a staple of young adults' reading diet, titles written in verse continue to hit the mark on trueness of voice, quickness of pace, emotional impact, and abundant white space. Realism still reigns, but writers of historical fiction and, increasingly, biography turn to verse for the same reasons. What might have felt irrelevant to a reader is rendered immediate when the inner thoughts of a character ring eerily familiar.

Readers are now just as likely to discover intricately constructed poems in traditional forms as they are to find free verse, meant to be read by budding poets and laymen alike. Perhaps Mr. B., Kevin's teacher in Ron Koertge's Shakespeare Makes the Playoffs, sums it up best: “Don't worry so much about what poetry means. Pretend poetry is chili and you're starving. Would you ask what chili means? Just eat it up.” Readers have clearly taken this directive, as what was once a drip in the publishing world has become a steady stream, the numbers of novels-in-verse rising year after year. Gold standards like Sharon Creech's Love That Dog, David Levithan's Realm of Possibility, Nikki Grimes's Bronx Masquerade, Jacqueline Woodson's Locomotion, and Helen Frost's Keesha's House, all exemplars of the form, have paved the way for the not-to-be-missed titles that follow.

Melodious Memoirs

BERNIER-GRAND, Carmen T. Diego: Bigger Than Life. illus. by David Diaz. Marshall Cavendish. 2009. Tr $18.99. ISBN 978-0-7614-5383-3.

Gr 5-8–Brilliant, stylized illustrations punctuated by reproductions of Rivera's own works combine with playful free verse to depict the life of fiery artist Diego Rivera in this companion to Frida: ¡Viva la Vida!/Long Live Life! (Marshall Cavendish, 2007). Readers discover the origins of Rivera's socialistic leanings, follow the evolution of his artistic style, and glimpse his rocky relationships.

ENGLE, Margarita. The Firefly Letters: A Suffragette's Journey to Cuba.Holt. 2010. Tr $16.99. ISBN 978-0-8050-9082-6.

Gr 8 Up–Engle, a biography-in-verse master, illuminates a little-known person in Cuban history while evoking the breathtaking, heartbreaking beauty of the island nation. She chronicles the 1851 journey of Swedish novelist and women's rights pioneer Fredrika Bremer to Cuba and her interaction with Elena, a wealthy planter's daughter, and Cecilia, a house slave.

HEMPHILL, Stephanie. Your Own, Sylvia: A Verse Portrait of Sylvia Plath. Knopf. 2007. Tr $15.99. ISBN 978-0-375-83799-9; PLB $18.99. ISBN 978-0-375-93799-6; pap. $7.99. ISBN 978-0-440-23968-0.

Gr 8 Up–Through a series of skillfully crafted poems, Hemphill pieces together a collage of the life and work of the American poet. The poems, many of which are written “in the style of” Plath's work, are spoken by a cast of characters from her life and scattered with the poet's own imagery and language. Audio version available from Listening Library; audio download available from Audible.

SCHUTZ, Samantha. I Don't Want to Be Crazy. Scholastic/PUSH. 2006. Tr $16.99. ISBN 978-0-439-80518-6.

Gr 9 Up–This memoir-in-verse skillfully captures the utter breathlessness Schutz felt while coming to terms with an anxiety disorder that surfaced and plagued her throughout and after her college years. Regardless of mental health issues, teens will undoubtedly feel a kinship with her sometimes-overwhelming search for self-identity.

SMITH, Charles R., Jr. Twelve Rounds to Glory: The Story of Muhammad Ali. illus. by Bryan Collier. Candlewick. 2007. Tr $19.99. ISBN 978-0-7636-1692-2; pap. $10.99. ISBN 978-0-7636-5002-5.

Gr 5-8-Each “round” depicts a different period in Ali's colorful life, from childhood through religious conversion to his life after retirement from boxing. Smith's rhythmic verse speaks to Ali in the second person, “you declared your goal 'to be the greatest of all time,'” while Collier's stylized watercolors amplify the subject's larger-than-life personality.

WEATHERFORD, Carole Boston. Becoming Billie Holiday. illus. by Floyd Cooper. Boyds Mills/Wordsong. 2008. RTE $19.95. ISBN 978-1-59078-507-2.

Gr 9 Up–Holiday's hard-edged, soulful voice sings out in this portrait of the legendary jazz musician told through nearly 100 poems spun from her song titles. Cooper's evocative illustrations drive home the singer's vulnerability, from a scene portending her rape at an early age to a young girl's innocent dreams of dancing “safe in my hero's arms.”

Lyrical Love

HERRICK,Steven. Cold Skin. Front St. 2009. Tr $18.95. ISBN 978-1-59078-572-0.

Gr 9 Up-In this coming-of-age novel/murder mystery set in post-World War II Australia, Eddie longs to work in the mines but is forbidden by his father. While treading water at school, he tenderly discovers first love and dark secrets about the adults in his life. The voices of various townsfolk, expressed in poems, reveal clues to a killer's identity.

KOERTGE, Ron. Shakespeare Makes the Playoffs. Candlewick. 2010. Tr $15.99. ISBN 978-0-7636-4435-2.

Gr 5-8-Kevin, aka Shakespeare, who made his poetic debut in Shakespeare Bats Cleanup (Candlewick, 2003), now navigates girls, baseball, and his father's new romance. Well-versed in the rules of poetry but less adept in the ways of adolescent love, he starts to fall for fellow budding poet Amy while flip-flopping on his feelings for girlfriend Mira.

MCVOY, Terra Elan. After the Kiss. S & S/ Pulse. 2010. Tr $16.99. ISBN 978-1-4424-0211-9.

Gr 9 Up–Two teens' lives collide when Camille, the new girl in town, unknowingly kisses Becca's haiku-spouting boyfriend at a party. Camille tells her side in a sort of stream of consciousness, while Becca speaks in free verse. The girls' distinct voices make this book so much more than a predictable YA drama.

MYERS, Walter Dean. Street Love. HarperCollins/Amistad. 2006. Tr $15.99. ISBN 978-0-06-028079-6; PLB $16.89. ISBN 978-0-06-028080-2; pap. $8.99. ISBN 978-0-06-440732-8.

Gr 8 Up–The rhythm of the street is palpable. Damien, bound for Brown, must make a life-altering decision when he falls in love with Junice, whose mother is in prison. Myers lifts verse to a whole new level as he manipulates pace and beat to craft unique voices for each character.

RICHARDS, Jame. Three Rivers Rising: A Novel of the Johnstown Flood. Knopf/Borzoi. 2010. Tr $16.99. ISBN 978-0-375-85885-7; PLB $19.99. ISBN 978-0-375-95885-4.

Gr 8 Up–This cross-class romance between wealthy Celestia and miner's son Peter is set against the backdrop of a Gilded Age retreat on Lake Conemaugh, Pennsylvania. Readers will lie in wait for the inevitable climax, the collision of Celestia and Peter's tale with the very real Johnstown Flood of 1889.

SCHROEDER, Lisa. Chasing Brooklyn. S & S/Pulse. 2010. Tr $15.99. ISBN 978-1-4169-9168-7.

Gr 7-10–Still recovering from the death of Lucca, his girlfriend, Brooklyn, and his brother, Nico, are crushed when Lucca's best friend kills himself. As both Brooklyn and Nico start conversing with the dead boys' spirits, they rediscover pieces of themselves and one another.

For the Younger Set

CREECH, Sharon. Hate That Cat. HarperCollins/Joanna Cotler Bks. 2008. Tr $15.99. ISBN 978-0-06-143092-3; PLB $16.89. ISBN 978-0-06-143093-0; pap. $5.99. ISBN 978-0-06-143094-7.

Gr 3-6–Once again flexing his poetic muscles for Miss Stretchberry, Jack begrudgingly opens up a space in his life for a new kitten. His poems are frequently inspired by famous poets, just as in Love That Dog (HarperCollins, 2001), and illustrate his growing maturity as a poet. Audio version available from HarperChildrens Audio; audio download available from Audible.

HERRICK, Steven. Naked Bunyip Dancing. illus. by Beth Norling. Front St. 2008. Tr $16.95. ISBN 978-1-59078-499-0.

Gr 3-6–With a title culled from a nonsensical brainstorming session, this is a collection of poems by the zany, fictional class of 6C. Replete with a poem-spouting teacher, Australian slang, and some less fantastic real-life troubles, the students lead readers into their quirky world. Spunky cartoon illustrations add an extra dash of energy.

NERI, G. Chess Rumble. illus. by Jesse Joshua Watson. Lee & Low. 2007. RTE $18.95. ISBN 978-1-58430-279-7.

Gr 5-8–Marcus's words, rife with frustration, tumble out of him in free-flowing verse as he paints a picture of his quickly fading innocence after a year of tragedy. Blacks, whites, and grays form the backdrop for Marcus's urban concrete world and growing relationship with CM, the Chess Master, a mentor who sets him straight.

SMITH, Anita Hope. Keeping the Night Watch. illus. by E. B. Lewis. Holt. 2008. RTE $18.95. ISBN 978-0-8050-7202-0.

Gr 5-8–In The Way a Door Closes (Holt, 2003) 13-year-old CJ came to terms with his father's departure. Now the man of the house is back, and CJ struggles to let him into his heart and home. Lewis's watercolors show a tender mix of budding maturity and vulnerability while free verse and other poetic forms echo CJ's moods.

SPINELLI, Eileen. Where I Live. illus. by Matt Phelan. Dial. 2007. RTE $16.99. ISBN 978-0-8037-3122-6.

Gr 1-4–Through free verse and list poems, Diana talks of all she loves in her small part of the world. When her father loses his job, the family must move six hours away from all that matters to her. This rare novel-in-verse for the younger end of the spectrum is peppered with heartwarming pencil drawings.

WOODSON, Jacqueline. Peace, Locomotion.Putnam. 2009. Tr $15.99 ISBN 978-0-399-24655-5.

Gr 4-6–This stand-alone sequel to Locomotion (Putnam, 2003) is told through letters from 12-year-old Lonnie to his younger sister. Still settling into foster life with Miss Edna, Lonnie gets to know his injured-returned-from-war foster brother. Though admittedly this is not a novel-in-verse, two of Lonnie's lyrical and vividly constructed poems about peace bookend the letters. Audiobook available from Brilliance Audio.

For the Older Set

APPLEGATE, Katherine. Home of the Brave. Feiwel & Friends. 2007. Tr $16.95. ISBN 978-0-312-36765-7.

Gr 5-7–A Sudanese refugee and orphan finds himself transplanted to modern-day Minnesota in the wintertime. Seeing the U.S. through Kek's wide-eyed verse will, for better or worse, prompt readers to take a second look at the world American teens take for granted. Audio version available from Listening Library.

BINGHAM, Kelly. Shark Girl. Candlewick. 2007. Tr $16.99. ISBN 978-0-7636-3207-6.

Gr 6-10–In a flash, 15-year-old Jane goes from the top artist at her California high school to the girl who lost her arm in a shark attack. Verse captures her frustration and anger as well as her budding hope that she might still find a future in her passion.

HOPKINS, Ellen. Tricks. S & S/Margaret K. McElderry Bks. 2009. Tr $18.99. ISBN 978-1-4169-5007-3.

Gr 9 Up–Five teens resort to the unthinkable in order to survive, only finding a glimmer of redemption when their lives begin to intersect. Through their raw voices, Hopkins once again delivers a graphic, intense tale that will speak to mature teens and her dedicated fans.

MCCORMICK, Patricia. Sold. Hyperion. 2006. Tr $15.99. ISBN 978-0-7868-5171-3; pap. $8.99. ISBN 978-0-7868-5172-0.

Gr 9 Up–Most realism-in-verse focuses on teens confronting varying yet distinctly American problems. McCormick, however, captures the gut-wrenching story of 13-year-old Lakshmi, a Nepali teen who is sold into prostitution in India by her stepfather. Free verse relays her quest to survive and rise above dire circumstances.

SONES, Sonya. What My Girlfriend Doesn't Know. S & S. 2007. Tr $16.99. ISBN 978-0-689-87602-8; pap. $7.99. ISBN 978-0-689-87603-5.

Gr 9 Up–This follow-up to What My Mother Doesn't Know (S & S, 2001), voiced by social-leper Robin rather than his popular girlfriend, more than stands on its own. Through poetry and a few of his own comics, Robin grapples with his seemingly unequal relationship and finds a place for himself through art.

WOLFF, Virginia Euwer. This Full House. (Make Lemonade Trilogy). HarperCollins/Bowen Press. 2009. Tr $17.99. ISBN 978-0-06-158304-9; PLB $18.89. ISBN 978-0-06-158305-6.

Gr 9 Up-LaVaughn, a senior in high school, struggles to find her way into a medical science program and discovers new information about the women in her life in this final installment of Wolff's trilogy. As in Make Lemonade (Holt, 1993) and True Believer (S & S, 2001), her story digs into the consequences of life choices and the possibilities of second chances. Audio version available from Listening Library; audio download available from Audible.

Poetic Past

BURG, Ann E. All the Broken Pieces. Scholastic. 2009. Tr $16.99. ISBN 978-0-545-08092-7.

Gr 5-8–Matt's new life with a loving adoptive American family is hard to reconcile with the life he left when airlifted out of Saigon at the end of the Vietnam War. Wounds run deep as he blames himself for events in Vietnam and vets struggle to regain a foothold in their old lives. Audio version available from Scholastic Audio.

BRYANT, Jen. Kaleidoscope Eyes. Knopf. 2009. Tr $15.99. ISBN 978-0-375-84048-7; PLB $18.99. ISBN 978-0-375-94048-4.

Gr 5-8–While cleaning out her grandfather's attic, 13-year-old Lyza discovers a few old maps, a letter marked “for Lyza,” and a key. These clues spur a treasure hunt that unfolds against the backdrop of suburban New Jersey circa 1968. The Vietnam War looms heavily as race issues, the draft, and hippy counterculture touch the child's life and quest.

ENGLE, Margarita. The Surrender Tree: Poems of Cuba's Struggle for Freedom. Holt. 2008. Tr $16.95. ISBN 978-0-8050-8674-4.

Gr 9 Up–Poems in alternating voices during Cuba's wars with Spain from 1850 to 1899 tell the story of Rosa, a “freed” slave and natural healer, destined to a life on the lam in the island's wild interior. A ruthless soldier and an escapee from a reconcentration camp are among other narrators in this hauntingly beautiful glimpse into Cuba's troubled past. Audio version available from Listening Library; audio download available from Audible.

FROST, Helen. Crossing Stones. Farrar/Frances Foster Bks. 2009. Tr $16.99. ISBN 978-0-374-31653-2.

Gr 6-10–In free verse and cupped hand sonnets, Frost tells of four teens from two families in rural Michigan who must reconsider all they hold true when World War I enters their lives. For Muriel, the gutsy protagonist, this means reconciling her antiwar sentiments with a confusing bond to Frank, who has left to fight. Audio version available from Recorded Books.

ROY, Jennifer. Yellow Star. Marshall Cavendish. 2006. Tr $16.95. ISBN 978-0-7614-5277-5.

Gr 5-8–Syvia, a young Jewish Pole (and the author's aunt), describes life in the Lodz Ghetto, from her entry at age four to liberation six years later. Free verse is punctuated by prose that presents the bleak historical setting for her innocent depictions, which include an especially breath-holding scene of Syvia and her father hiding in a grave. Audio version available from Recorded Books; audio download available from Audible.

WEATHERFORD, Carole Boston. Birmingham, 1963. illus. by author. Boyds Mills/Wordsong. 2007. RTE $17.95. ISBN 978-1-59078-440-2.

Gr 5-8–Told through free verse and illustrated with a collage of archival photographs and ephemera, the tragic Sixteenth Street Baptist Church bombings tug hard at readers' emotions when seen through the eyes of a fictional child attending church that day, her 10th birthday. Endnotes contextualize the poignant story by providing further historical information and documentation. Audio version available from Recorded Books.

mini interviews with some fab YA authors

2010-04-30T11:45:00.005-04:00

Great mini interviews with some fab YA authors (including me, too)! Watch here!

Judy Blundell (What I Saw and How I Lied)

Alexandra Bullen (Wish)

Eireann Corrigan (Accomplice)

Elizabeth Eulberg (The Lonely Hearts Club)

Angie Frazier (Everlasting)

Alice Hoffman (Green Witch)

Sarah Darer Littman (Life, After)

Sarah MacLean (The Season)

Michael Northrop (Gentlemen)

Olugbemisola Rhuday-Perkovich (8th Grade Superzero)

Matthue Roth (Losers)

Eliot Schrefer (The Deadly Sister)

Samantha Schutz (You Are Not Here)

Jordan Sonnenblick (After Ever After)

Natalie Standiford (Confessions of the Sullivan Sisters)

Maggie Stiefvater (Shiver)

Siobhan Vivian (Not that Kind of Girl)

Lynn Weingarten (Wherever Nina Lies)

Suzanne Weyn (Empty)

Ebony Wilkins (Sellout)

And the winners are...

2010-04-30T09:46:00.004-04:00

Check out the winning poems for my National Poetry Month Contest.

Congratulations to all who entered--and had the courage to submit their work! Read the poems here.

All the submissions are in for my National Poetry Month Poetry Contest!

2010-04-26T11:00:00.007-04:00

All the submissions are in for my National Poetry Month Poetry Contest! Read all of the poems here (there are about 40).

To recap: Submissions came in on topics ranging from self-image, depression, anxiety, love, relationships, and so much more. There are submissions from men and women. And ages ranged from 14-60.

The winners will be announced on April 30th (all winners will be contacted before 4/30).
And just to recap, here are the prizes:

FIRST PRIZE is a signed Advanced Readers Copy my new book, You Are Not Here (ARC = early copy of the book. You'll have it months before it goes on sale!) and a signed copy of I Don't Want to Be Crazy.

FIVE RUNNERS UP will win a signed copy of I Don't Want to Be Crazy.

Thanks to everyone who contributed, read, and commented!! Look out for another contest in October when my new novel, You Are Not Here, is released

Got Advice?

2010-04-23T15:37:00.009-04:00

I get a lot of emails asking for advice about dealing emotional issues. I am honored that you would want my opinion, but I am not a doctor or therapist. All the answers below are based on my own personal experiences. Be sure to check out the professional advice in the links to http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/ and the other sites, too. (Go Ask Alice! is produced by the Alice! Health Promotion Program at Columbia University — a division of Health Services at Columbia.)

I am dealing with anxiety or another mental illness. Can you give me some advice?
I am not a doctor or therapist. The only advice I can impart is based on my own experiences with panic disorder. I started by going to my general doctor to get checked out. Once it was clear that I didn’t have any physical problems, I began therapy and then medication. I think a commitment to both those things is what has made the most difference for me.
Also, getting into a healthy routine is always good. That means sleeping enough, eating right, doing some sort of exercise. You’d be surprised how much getting into a healthy routine can help. Also, consider taking an art class or dance class or starting to write in a journal. Anything you can do to help get out your feelings is great. The important thing to remember is that you DESERVE to feel better and you need to do whatever necessary to get there.

Does dealing with mental illness ever get easier?
That’s a hard question. For me, dealing with panic disorder has been series of ups and downs. I was first diagnosed about fifteen years ago. The first few years were hard (with some long spans in between when things were good). The last few years have been so much better. I rarely have panic attacks and can go MANY months without one. I can attribute that to many things. One of which is that my life is more stable than when I was eighteen. When I was eighteen, like many teens, I left for college and that meant a lot of changes in my life. I left home, lived on my own, had to make new friends, etc. I also moved so many times (each year into the dorm and then back home to my parents’). And now, fifteen years later, I see that my anxiety returns when I go through big changes. For instance, I recently moved and that made me fairly anxious. So I’ve learned to me more vigilant around times of big change.

Am I the only person going through this?
NO! Since the publication of my memoir, I Don’t Want to Be Crazy, I have had the privilege of getting letters from people of all ages. These letters are about fears, struggles, isolation...but also about hope and recovery. The most common phrase in all the emails is: “Your story made me feel less alone.” The repetition of this phrase is not surprising since one in four adults suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year—that translates into nearly 58 million people (NIMH). Of those disorders, anxiety disorders are the most common, affecting 40 million adults (ADAA).

I am honored to receive these letters, but these stories—like mine—have the power to help others. With this in mind, I created www.youmakemefeellessalone.blogspot.com as a place for people like YOU to contribute your stories, poems, and artwork. Together, we can close the gap between all those people who are “one in four” and struggling with mental illness. You can also check out a list of helpful/interesting (mostly fiction) books here: http://www.samanthaschutz.net/resources.html#booklist.

How can I find the strength to deal with this illness for my entire life?
That’s a really overwhelming question to think about. I would suggest focusing on today. In my experience, thinking about huge things like a “lifetime of anxiety” has only stressed me out more. Like if you have ten different things to do in one day, it can make you crazy and stressed out to think about all ten at once. But if you start by taking care of one thing and then go from there, it seems so much more manageable.

Should I tell my friends and family what I am going through?
That’s for you to decide. If you feel like you have people in your life who love and support you, I would recommend sharing how you are feeling. This is a lot to deal with on your own. And keeping it to yourself can only add to the burden.

I am a teen and my parents don’t understand what I am going through. They don’t think it’s a big deal. What can I do?
It must be really hard to feel like an important person in your life doesn’t understand you. You could try giving that person my book, printing out articles from the internet, taking them to a local support group, etc. But if you find you can’t get the support you need from your family, think about someone else you can go to. Is there a friend, another family member, teacher, or guidance counselor you could talk to? You deserve to feel better and if someone is preventing you from doing that, you need to seek other outlets.

FYI: If you are in college, there is a good chance that there is a free counseling center on campus. Call your college’s Health Services Department to find out.

Should I see a therapist?
There is a helpful and comprehensive answer here:
http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/9397.html

What kinds of therapy are there?
There is a helpful and comprehensive answer here:
http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/8396.html

What can I do if I can’t afford a therapist?
Sometimes therapists will take a reduced fee. You just have to ask. There may also be free or low cost services in your area. You can start by calling LIFENET at 1-800-543-3638, or visiting http://www.800lifenet.org/cms/mha.
You can also check here: http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/1194.html

FYI: If you are in college, there is a good chance that there is a free counseling center on campus. Call your college’s Health Services Department to find out.

Should I go on medication?
I am not a doctor. I can’t give you advice about that. I can only tell you about my experiences. In the beginning, I really struggled with the idea of going on meds. But one therapist asked me if I would question taking meds if I had diabetes. I answered, “Of course I would take meds for that.” She wanted to know how that was different from taking meds for anxiety. That had a big impact on me! Over the years I have taken several different medications. Some had side effects. Some didn’t. Some worked well. Some didn’t. For some people it can be a process of trial and error, but I think it’s worth it.

I am feeling suicidal or like I might hurt myself or someone else. What should I do?
You MUST immediately call 911 or a friend that can help you. For more information go to http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Can you tell me some helpful websites?
http://www.samanthaschutz.net/resources.html#links

2010-04-18T10:49:00.013-04:00

Check out an interview I did for National Poetry Month here. I talk about inspiration, my writing process, favorite books, and MORE!

There are also interviews with Ellen Hopkins, Wendy Maas, Jen Bryant, Lisa Schroeder, Thalia Chaltas, and Betsy Franco.

Enjoy!

2010-04-14T16:00:00.008-04:00

Wanna hear/see my super-amazing-rockstar editor David Levithan talk about my new book, You Are Not Here?

Check out the video: http://www.scholastic.com/listpreviewwebcast

You can skip ahead to 47:37 to hear about my book, or take a listen to the whole thing and hear about all of Scholastic's big books for Fall 2010! (FYI, what's shown is not the final cover. The one in my previous post is.)

Preorder You Are Not Here here from Amazon or B&N.

2010-04-14T14:12:00.012-04:00

Hooray! Here's the front cover of my new book, You Are Not Here. It'll be out in October.

Here's the blurb that will be on the book:

Annaleah and Brian had something special -- Annaleah is sure of it. When they were together, they didn't need anyone else. It didn't matter that it was secret. All that mattered was what they shared.

And then, suddenly, Brian dies. And while everyone else has their role in the grieving process, Annaleah finds herself living on the outside of it, unacknowledged and lonely. How can you recover from a loss no one will let you have?

And here's a third sneak peak poem from the book.

As I walk home I realize
that I have the answers
to the questions
I’ve always asked about Brian:

Where is Brian?
Two blocks away.

What is he doing?
Lying quietly, still.

When is he going to call?
Never.

2010-03-18T16:59:00.002-04:00

CONTEST ALERT!

National Poetry Month starts in April. To celebrate, I am hosting a poetry contest!

Click here for more info: http://www.youmakemefeellessalone.blogspot.com/

2010-03-03T16:27:00.008-05:00

It's that time again. The NYC Teen Author Festival will be from 3/15-3/21. Come and and meet some great authors and hear some amazing stories.

I'll be doing events on 3/18, 3/19, and 3/21.

2009-12-09T21:20:00.006-05:00

Hey friends,

Check out a radio interview I did about writing, I Don't Want to Be Crazy, my new book, and more at http://www.kpon.org/ (click on Penguin Tracks to get to the podcast.) This interview also features YA writers Niki Burnham and Kieran Scott.

Be well,

Sam

2009-11-24T15:53:00.004-05:00

After many, many months, my book has a name: You Are Not Here.

It also (sort of) has a cover. Not sure when I can show it, but it's a really beautiful photograph. An image I had thought about while writing, actually...and my publisher came upon it without me even mentioning it. It's nice when things work out.

So, I am back from vacation, very rested, and eagerly waiting for notes on my second draft. For this draft, I did A LOT of new writing and moved around the order of many of the poems. That's sort of the beauty of writing in verse--it gives you the ability to shuffle things in a way that I don't think you can with prose.

Here's a sneak peak at a poem I really like:

I’m trying to decide what is worse.
Someone being gone,
but still out there,
or someone being gone forever,
dead.
I think someone being gone,
but still out there might be worse.
Then there’s always the chance,
the hoping,
the wondering
if things might change.
If maybe one day they’ll come back.
There’s also the wondering about
what their new life is like.
The life without you.
Are they more happy?
And if they are,
you’re left being sad,
wondering what it would be like
if you were happy with them.

But when someone is dead,
they’re dead.
They’re not coming back.
There is no second chance.
Death is a period
at the end of a sentence.
Someone gone, but still out there
is an ellipses . . . or a question
to be answered.

2009-10-30T11:15:00.004-04:00

The first few posts are up at www.youmakemefeellessalone.blogspot.com.

Check them out! Subscribe! Send in your own stories!

Your words are powerful. Your words can help people.
Share them.

2009-10-20T10:16:00.002-04:00

Dear Friends,

Since the publication of my memoir, I Don’t Want to Be Crazy, I have had the privilege of getting your letters. You write about your fears, your struggles, your isolation...but also of your hope and recovery. The most common phrase in all your emails is: “Your story made me feel less alone.” The repetition of this phrase is not surprising since one in four adults suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year—that translates into nearly 58 million people (NIMH). Of those disorders, anxiety disorders are the most common—affecting 40 million adults (ADAA).

I am honored to be your audience of one, but your story—like mine—has the power to help others. With this in mind, I created www.YouMakeMeFeelLessAlone.blogspot.com as a place for YOU to contribute your stories and poems. Together, we can close the gap between all those people who are “one in four” and struggling with mental illness.

Your words are powerful. Your words can help people.

Share them.

Be well,

Sam

* * *

How do I post?

1) Email your submission to samanthaschutz@hotmail.com. (In order to keep the site organized and free of unrelated content, I will post your submission for you. However, all readers will be able post comments directly to the site.)

2) Put “YouMakeMeFeelLessAlone” in the subject line.

3) Copy and paste the info below to the top of your email. Then fill in the answers.

Do you want your name to appear with your post?

If so, do you want your full name or first name only? ______________

Do you want to post anonymously? ______________

What is your age? ______________ (FYI: If you are under 18, I am not comfortable posting full names and locations.)

Where do you live? ______________

If I create a Twitter account (or something similar) for this program, could I post a snippet of your submittion?

When will my post appear?

Once I get a few initial submissions (and finish the design of the blog), I will begin posting. After that, I hope to put up posts within a week or so of getting your submission.

What are the guidelines?

-Keep posts to under 500 words.

-Submit only about topics relating to mental illness.

-Take care and pride in your post. Please review your submission carefully before emailing me.

What else should I know?

-Your post is yours. By posting you are NOT giving me any rights to your words.

-You can subscribe to this blog for free. That way you’ll get an email each time there is a new post.

2009-09-10T15:37:00.004-04:00

At long last, I've heard back from my glorious editor about my manuscript. I think the highlight of his email is when he wrote that the ms was "thoroughly disturbing." I don't think I could come up with a better compliment that that. But, uh, I guess that's just me.

So, the work begins again. I'm really excited to get back into it after months of distance. (It's also not so bad that I have a shiny new apartment and shiny new desk to work at.)

More to come! I hope to be posting more frequently about the revisions process.

Sam

2009-06-25T17:28:00.002-04:00

So the first draft of my new novel has been delivered to my editor! The last few weeks have been totally exhausting and I am so glad that I have some time before I’ll need to look at the manuscript again.

The process was not easy (and it’s far from over). But it was also really interesting. I’ve never written fiction before. A lot of people said that fiction would be easier than memoir—after all, you can make up whatever you want in fiction. But for me, that made it even harder. I had to come up with everything—every place, every name, every emotion. When I wrote I Don’t Want to Be Crazy, I knew the story. I knew the characters. I knew the emotions. Because I lived it all. The hardest part was figuring out how to tell the story (as opposed to figuring out what the story was).

This novel has been years in the works. It was probably sometime in late 2006 that I first got the idea. And it came from such a random place. I was in a meeting and a coworker said something like “Wow. That would be a crazy place to live.” I don’t even remember what he said, but the first thing I thought of was that it would be weird to live across the street from a cemetery. And later, I thought it’d be even weirder to live across the street from a cemetery if someone you cared about were buried there. Then this little idea came to be a bigger idea. What if a teenage girl’s boyfriend suddenly died and was buried outside of her window? At first I thought that I would make it about really lovely relationship, but soon realized (or was it my editor who told me?) that happy relationships are boring (to write or read about anyway). And then my brilliant editor had the idea to make the boyfriend already dead on page one. And so it went… (Only now, the cemetery is a few blocks from her house. It seemed like overkill to have it be right out her window.)

This may seem so obvious to everyone, but I was shocked at how much of my own personal life I could work into the book. I would love to do some sort of annotated manuscript or interactive website where you could click on a part of the book and it would tell you the real story behind the inspiration. For starters, the cemetery that the book takes place in is in my parents’ neighborhood. The dead boyfriend is made up of bits and pieces of people I’ve dated. An important photo that the main characters references a few times is based on an actual photo of me as a baby. Names of people in the book are based on people in my family. Even the ending is completely based on something that happened to me when I was about 17. Or at least it’s based on what I remember 13 years later.

More to come once I get comments from my editor!

2009-05-17T12:55:00.005-04:00

Here's the first poem of my new book. Alas, the book still doesn't have a title.
This poem's still a work in progress. Just like with I Don't Want to Be Crazy, I am starting with a bit of a flashforward...

Enjoy!

PS: The first draft is due in less than 4 weeks...OMG!

I walk down my block
and then take a right turn.
Two more blocks
and I’ll be with Brian.
For the first time
in a long time,
I know he’ll be there
waiting for me.
I sit down on the grass next to him.
He has flowers,
but I know they’re not for me.
I wonder who gave them to him,
but I don’t ask.

I tell Brian about my day.
I say, “I saw your dad
at the supermarket.
I didn’t talk to him—
not like he knows who I am
and even if he did,
I wouldn’t know what to say.
I watched him
take things off the shelves,
look them over
and then put them back.
There was almost nothing
in his cart.
I wonder if he’s always been like that,
or just lately.”

I say, “I miss you.”
I ask if Brian missed me too,
then wait for his answer.
If that squirrel runs up that tree,
then Brian’s answer is yes.
If it stays on the grass,
his answer is no.

The squirrel doesn’t move,
and my breath catches in my throat.
After a moment,
it zips up the tree.
I smile and lay down
next to Brian.
I wish he would hold me
like he used to,
but he doesn’t.
The warm sun makes me drowsy
and I fall asleep on my side
next to Brian.

When I wake up,
grass is imprinted
on my arm and leg.
I get up and brush the grass off my clothes.
Brian doesn’t move.
I say, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I reach out to touch him.
My fingers make contact
with smooth, cold granite.
I trace my fingers
over the deeply imprinted words:

Brian Dennis
Born February 11
Died age seventeen
Beloved son and friend

2009-04-14T17:44:00.006-04:00

Hey friends,

I’ll be doing a reading, talk, and book signing at the South Brunswick Public Library on Thursday April 30th from 7-8pm.

Hope to see you there!

http://www.sbpl.info/
South Brunswick Public Library
110 Kingston Lane
Monmouth Junction NJ 08852
TEL # 732-329-4000

2008-12-28T16:34:00.005-05:00

Memoir fakers...not again!

Just reading about the latest memoir scandal perpetrated by Herman Rosenblat in his now cancelled Holocaust memoir Angels at the Fence. More here

Poor Oprah. (And poor me. She’s really never going to let memoirists on her show again.) In addition to talking up Angels at the Fence, she was also duped a few years ago by James Frey and his Million Little Pieces memoir about addiction.

You might ask, What’s the big deal? So these books are more fiction than fact? I can’t speak for Angels at the Fence since I haven’t read it, but I can explain why finding out Frey’s Million Little Pieces was a sham was such a big deal. MLP was amazing and raw and gross and inspiring and real. I had never read anything like it before, and I’d imagine most of the public had never either. It was very moving. It also really inspired me while I was writing my memoir because it was so courageous. MPL became a massive bestseller and sold millions of copies. It’s really sad to think of how many people were touched by his story and then let down.

I’ve been asked if my memoir is “real.” Yes. It is real. It all happened and I wrote it as I remembered it (which, of course, can have it’s flaws). I also had help from friends’ memories, medical records, school transcripts, and a whole lot of journals. There isn’t much dialogue in the book, but when it is used I tried to keep it natural to what would have happened—in other words, I know what I would have basically said in situations and I can assume the same for friends, family, etc. Don’t get me wrong, there’s certainly filler in my book to help the flow or create transitions. And maybe those things didn’t quite happen in that exact order or at that exact time, but it all happened.

People have great stories to tell—maybe they are wholly or partially based on real events or maybe they are entirely concocted—but let’s call them what they are. Memoir = real. Fiction = imaginary.

2008-12-01T18:23:00.004-05:00

Here's a pic from the reading!

Come hear me do a FREE reading and Q&A in Oxford, CT.

Thursday, December 4, 2008
Time: 5:30pm - 7:00pm
Location: Oxford Public Library
486 Oxford Rd, Oxford, CT
Contact Info Phone: 2038886944
Email: www.oxfordlib.org

I'll be reading from my poetry memoir, I Don't Want to Be Crazy.

This is a true story of growing up, breaking down, and coming to grips with a psychological disorder. When Samantha Schutz first left home for college, she was excited by the possibilities--freedom from parents, freedom from a boyfriend who was reckless with her affections, freedom from the person she was supposed to be. At first, she reveled in the independence--but as pressures increased, she began to suffer anxiety attacks that would leave her mentally shaken and physically incapacitated. Thus began a hard road of discovery and coping, powerfully rendered in this poetry memoir.

Hope to see you there!
Sam

PS: Want me to come to your school or library? Just email me!

2008-10-21T18:40:00.004-04:00

Whoo hoo!

I just got some great news...my editor bought my new book! Well, there's no actual book yet. Just a really long outline and some poems.

I think it will be out in Summer 2010. Okay, I know that sounds far, but it's not. It's practically 2009 now.

Check back for more info soon. I'll try to update about the writing process. And maybe even post some early poems.

2008-09-30T18:00:00.014-04:00

Prepare yourself...the images below are from a collection of poems that I wrote (and illustrated!!!) in the 6th or 7th grade. I am equal parts amazed and embarrassed at the writing. I was one SERIOUS middle schooler.

Not included is an image of the contents page and dedication page. PS: It was dedicated to my dead dog. Seriously, I am laughing so hard right now I am about to cry.

Here's the cover. Note the spiffy red ribbon binding.

No clue what this was about. Maybe I had just learned about the Holocaust or something.

Hatred like a virus takes a long
time to develop.
Left untreated it can be dangerous
and hard to cure.
It grows bigger and stronger
infecting other victims.
More time passes, it grows
more serious, more powerful.
The final stage is reached it's
hard to be reversed.
The only cure, is time.

This poem is about the girlfriend of the boy I "loved."

She is a beast.
Ripping slowly at my insides,
yet leaving no trace of injury.
Her effects are everlasting
and untreatable.
It hurts to the point where
I want to die.
Yet there is no prescription for
my sickness, no pill, powder or
liquid.
Only her absence makes my
ailment fade.

Oh dear. I am laughing really hard again.

Love is like logic,
it can leave you lost.
But love can also resemble
life,
and leave you lucky.

No clue what this was about...

The window is the gate-
way to the outside world.
It can let in light when
you're sad
or chase the clouds away
when you're happy.
Such a simple pane of
glass has such a hard job.
To change your mood.

Wow. This is about death...pretty dark, but the fish and sun really lighten things up (or not).

I lay on the beach,
the sun beating down
on me.
The tide is slowly
coming in.
At first my feet get
wet, then my legs and
then before I know it
I'm totally submerged.
It is so peaceful
under the water,
with the fish and
coral reefs.
Down here I have no
need for air.
This is where I
belong.
This is where I want
to be.

Feel free to post amazing and embarrassing (or amazingly embarrassing) poems in the comments section below!

2008-09-22T09:58:00.005-04:00

Below is a piece that I wrote for the LA Times about living with an anxiety disorder. Check it out!
Sam
------------
http://www.latimes.com/features/health/medicine/la-he-myturn22-2008sep22,0,6812450.story

MY TURN

Anxiety disorder leaves parts of life in limbo for author Samantha Schutz
But her commitment to therapy and willingness to try new medications to stave off panic attacks gives her ever-increasing control.

By Samantha Schutz, Special to The Times
September 22, 2008

In the last few years, whenever I tried to talk about my experiences with an anxiety disorder, I ran into the same problem. I couldn't describe myself as having an anxiety disorder because I'd gone months without having a panic attack. And I couldn't say I used to have an anxiety disorder because I still felt its effects.

Trying to find the right tense was more than just a matter of semantics. For many years, having an anxiety disorder shaped nearly every bit of my life -- where I went, who I went with, how long I stayed. I do not believe that anxiety disorder can be flipped off like a switch and, accordingly, simply using present or past tense did not accurately reflect how I was feeling. The body has an unbelievable capacity to remember pain, and my body was not ready to forget what I had been through.

It was only about a year ago that I settled on saying, "I am in recovery from anxiety disorder."

I was diagnosed with panic disorder a few months into my freshman year of college. My first attacks were scattered and seemingly without pattern. But it wasn't long before the attacks picked up speed and I was having several a day. I often felt nervous, not in control of my body, convinced that I was going to die. As the frequency of attacks increased, it became difficult to do normal things such as go to class, the dining hall or parties.

It was textbook panic disorder. Only I didn't know that. I thought I had gone crazy and that all the things I hoped for in my life -- that my parents hoped for -- were gone.

I am thankful that I possess two qualities: being forthcoming about my feelings and being proactive about my health. I believe these are a big part of the reason that I was able to ask for help. And getting help was surprisingly easy.

One fall afternoon, I went to my college's counseling center and asked for an appointment. Within days, I was seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist and was on medication.

That was more than 10 years ago. Since then, I have seen more than half a dozen therapists and taken as many medications. I have gone months without panic attacks and medication. I have also "relapsed" and nearly checked myself into a hospital.

I have been to yoga and meditation classes, swung tennis rackets at pillows, practiced the art of breathing, tried hypnosis and herbal remedies. And slowly, I've begun to do things that once seemed impossible -- going to crowded concerts or sitting with relative ease in a packed lecture hall.

People want to know why I'm better. They want to know the formula. This is not a simple question with a simple answer. For sure, hormonal changes, growing older, moving out of my parents' house and becoming more confident and secure with myself have all aided my recovery. The only thing I can say with certainty is that my commitment to therapy and my willingness to try new medications have made the most difference.

Samantha Schutz is a children's book editor in New York City and the author of "I Don't Want to Be Crazy," a book about her experiences. You can visit her at www.samanthaschutz.net.

2008-03-18T17:56:00.004-04:00

Remember how a few months ago I said I was writing a new book? Well, up until very recently I haven't done very much (you know, aside from going to that dang full-time job I've got). Well, I can finally say that I am actually writing my new book. See? This photo proves it. Sort of, anyway.

Fiction is really challenging. People tell me that it should be easy compared to writing a memoir, but it's not. I didn't have to outline my memoir. I didn't have to come up with a plot or characters. I already knew it all. But writing fiction can be very overwhelming. I need to construct this world, filled with people who have actual lives and feelings... But I'm getting there. I've been working steadily for a few weeks and I pretty much think about the book, its plot, or the characters everyday. That NEVER happened before and I've been toying with the same concept for 2 years.

In short, this new book is about a teenage girl named Annaleah whose sort-of-boyfriend has just died. (They would hook up and hang out, but he was a flake and never called and could never really be depended on. But when they were together, just the two of them, it felt perfect. Special.) The first page of the book takes place the morning of his funeral.

Right now I have about 17 typed pages of poems. The pic above is from my journal. I use it on the subway during my commute, if the mood strikes.

The inspiration for this book came from a lot of different places:
* The first is an experience I had when I was about 19. One of my closest friend's friend died suddenly. While I had only met her a few times, it had a huge imapct on me. (this is in my memoir)
* Another inspiration comes from my general fascination with loss and death and how people deal with each. Okay, let's not mince words . . . what I actually mean is my fear of death.
* The next reason it pretty simple. I've had a few "sort-of-boyfriends" and have plenty of experiences to draw from.
* The last reason (for now anyway) is that there are people who I've dated (or been friends with) who are no longer part of my life. I don't talk to them or see them and that feels like a death to me.

I think I might post some early poems from the book. That, and scanned images of a collection of poems I wrote AND illustrated when I was in 6th grade. There's a good chance it might make you laugh so hard you'll cry.

2007-07-08T15:04:00.003-04:00

Great Review from www.teensreadtoo.com
Rating: 5 Stars

Millions of people suffer from anxiety disorder (panic attacks) on a daily basis. Most suffer needlessly, either due to lack of medical treatment, misdiagnosis, or ignorance of the condition. I DON’T WANT TO BE CRAZY is one woman’s brave confession of her struggles with the debilitating disorder.

Samantha Schutz was first diagnosed with anxiety disorder at age seventeen, after years of suffering with the problem. She uses this memoir to describe the devastating effects of the condition on her life and her relationships. The book chronicles the ups and downs of Samantha’s life from age seventeen until she graduates from college and gets her first job in the publishing industry.

Told in verse, the story reveals everything from the gripping terror of the attacks to the many therapists she consulted for help. Samantha titles her entries with the current drugs (Klonopin, Serzone, Xanax, Paxil, etc.) and the dosages she was
prescribed to treat her condition. She also explains her attempts to stop the medications, and her belief that things would get better, only to relapse with increasing frequency.

Samantha's honesty is evident throughout. She doesn't promise miracle cures, and she truly marvels at the support she received from her family and most of her friends. This is an inspiring book for anyone living with or connected to someone
living with anxiety disorder.

2007-07-03T18:59:00.002-04:00

So I promised I would update about the new book, so here I am. Thanks to all who emailed me girl names...I finally decided on Annaleah.

I've been working on the outline a lot recently and even enlisted my friend Judy to help me brainstorm. So far, the story is that Annaleah, a sixteen year old girl, lives next to a cemetery--which is sort of ironic since she's never actually known anyone who's died. She's visited the cemetery since she was a little kid, but she's not at all dark or goth. She just thought that it was fun to make up stories about the names and dates on the headstones. But Annaleah's life is suddenly turned upside down the summer after her junior year when her boyfriend unexpectedly dies. Don't worry. That doesn't give anything away. I'm pretty sure the book begins at his funeral.

To prepare for writing this book I've spent some time at a little cemetery near where I grew up. I'll be basing the cemetery in my story on it.

I've also been reading some really great books. I definitely recommend Good Grief by Lolly Winston (it's funny and poignant at the same time) and The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion (I'm only about 50 pages in, but it's already really intense). I also read parts of Stiff: The Curious Life of Human Cadavers by Mary Roach. It's really interesting and kind of gross and scary at the same time.

Ok, hopefully more to come soon...

2007-05-27T15:05:00.002-04:00

NEW BOOK!

So I've started thinking about my new book. "Started" isn't really the right word as I've been tossing around an idea for the last year. But it's summer and this weather (and sitting in a coffee shop with my laptop) makes me think of 2 summers ago when I was finishing writing I Don't Want to Be Crazy.

It's been hard to get motivated--I've never written fiction and it seems daunting to create an entire world, that includes believable characters . . . but I think that I'm finally ready to start writing (that means getting a sample to my glorious editor to see if he likes it).

One thing that keeps me from starting to write (ok, it's really moslty plain old procrastination) is that I have no name for my main character. It's really hard to find a name for her. Got any ideas of a good name for a 16 year old girl? Post them in the comments section or email me at samanthaschutz@hotmail.com.

So I suppose I should say what I'm writing about. Would that somehow jinx me? OK, all I'll say now is that it's about a girl who lives next door to a cemetery.

Will it be prose or verse, you ask? I'm not sure, but I am leaning toward verse.

I've been a crappy blogger up until now, but I'll keep you all up to date on how the writing is going.

OK. Time to brainstorm about my cemetery-girl....

2007-05-27T15:00:00.001-04:00

The paperback is coming! The paperback is coming!

The paperback edition of I Don't Want to Be Crazy will be out this August.

It's only $7.99
288 pages!
229 poems!

Order it now!

http://www.amazon.com/I-Dont-Want-Be-Crazy/dp/0439805198/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/002-1753127-9961647?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1180292560&sr=8-1

2007-05-27T14:54:00.002-04:00

Free podcast of me reading from I Don't Want to Be Crazy

Listen to a reading I did at KGB. It's very NY--you can even hear the occasional fire truck go by!

It's free...
com/index.php?post_id=122874">
http://www.indiefeedpp.libsyn.com/
index.php?post_id=122874

2007-02-15T16:46:00.002-05:00

Last week Scholastic celebrated PUSH's fifth anniversary with in-house readings by a variety of its authors. Seen here (l. to r.): Billy Merrell (Talking in the Dark), Coe Booth (Tyrell), David Levithan (founder and editor of PUSH), Thu-Huong Ha (Hail Caesar), Brian James (Dirty Liar), Samantha Schutz (I Don't Want to Be Crazy) and Eirreann Corrigan (Ordinary Ghosts).
From Publishers Weekly:

"Five years ago this month, Scholastic launched its PUSH imprint, spearheaded by David Levithan, who is now editorial director of Scholastic Press and PUSH. Focused on publishing cutting-edge books for teens written by first-time authors, the line was an editorial experiment that has clearly worked. PUSH has published more than 20 titles by such authors as Markus Zusak, Kevin Brooks, Patricia McCormick and Chris Wooding, and there are more than 1.2 million copies of its books in print.
To commemorate the imprint's fifth anniversary, the publisher is releasing This Is PUSH: New Stories from the Edge, an anthology of tales by PUSH authors edited by Levithan. And in March, Levithan and four authors of new PUSH books will hit the road, visiting five cities (New York, Philadelphia, Washington, D.C., Atlanta and Miami).
Levithan, who began at Scholastic as an intern at the age of 19, was an associate editor at the house when the issue of a new teen imprint first came up. "I asked the question of what kind of teen publishing we wanted to do at Scholastic, and that question turned into a four-year conversation," he recalls. When the conversation finally wrapped up, he says, "We took the radical approach of going with first-time writers and being on the cutting edge of teen publishing. Our idea was to give aspiring authors a chance and to be a magnet to attract people who hadn't dreamed of writing. We gave them a space to do that. As a result we have a largely very young, very diverse group of PUSH authors.""

2007-01-24T18:07:00.002-05:00

Just found out that I was named to the ALA's Quick Picks for Reluctant Readers list!

That means they think that teens who generally don't like to read will like my book.
That's awseome!

Thanks American Library Association.

(Isn't this photo of the best bling ever?!)

2007-01-11T10:39:00.001-05:00

The PUSH Antholgy is available NOW!

It's only $6.99 and features new work by all 15 of your favorite PUSH authors--

including a new poem by me! (It's over ten pages long.)

Check http://thisispush.com/ for more info . . .

I'll post an excerpt soon.
-sam

2007-01-03T13:15:00.002-05:00

Yippie! More reviews.
This one is from VOYA (Voice of Youth Adovcates)
http://www.voya.com/

In this moving memoir, Schutz details her struggle with anxiety disorder. She has always been a perfectionist, thanks in great part to her parents' constant pushing. Shortly after beginning college, Schutz starts to experience strange symptoms-shaking, sweating, racing thoughts, and feeling trapped in her own body-which turn out to be panic attacks. The fear and discomfort of the attacks rule her life. She relies heavily on medication to regulate her days, but worries that she is only able to cope with her disorder because of the medication. Even with pills and therapists, Schutz battles fear, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. Her illness bewilders her, at one point even forcing Schutz to wonder if she is doing it to herself. Schutz worries that perhaps she needs this disorder, that maybe she does not want to get well. Schutz vacillates between feeling as if she has conquered her affliction to being right back in the thick of it, feeling alone, scared, and desperate. The ending seems hopeful, but given her past, it is hard to be certain that she has overcome her demons. Written in verse, this memoir successfully conveys what it is like to suffer from panic attacks. The intense tone often feels frantic and breathless, pulling the reader into Schutz's frame of mind. Her story will have a wide appeal thanks to both its content and form. Once readers pick up this insightful debut, they will not be able to put it down.

2006-12-19T14:08:00.001-05:00

2006-12-19T13:44:00.002-05:00

A very nice review from School Library Journal!!!

School Library Journal, January 2007

In this “memoir in verse,” Schutz comes to terms with an anxiety disorder that surfaced and plagued her throughout and after her college years. Readers accompany the author from the summer after high school, through college, on a semester abroad in Paris, and into her first job after graduation. Typical early-adulthood issues such as boyfriends, sex, drinking, grades, and family are woven throughout her struggle with physically and mentally debilitating panic attacks. The author had the courage and wisdom to seek professional help and embarked on a long and often bumpy road to treating her disorder. The decision to write in verse proves fitting; in the scenes in which a panic attack is approaching, for example, the short lines of text echo the breathless terror described within. Though the book begins to feel repetitive toward its conclusion, the repetition simultaneously reflects the cyclical nature of Schutz’s disorder and one’s college years. Aptly, the book ends without absolute closure, and while luckily not all teens will find themselves in identical situations, many young people transitioning to adulthood will find a part of themselves in this overwhelming, and seemingly never-ending, search for self-identity.

–Jill Heritage Maza, Greenwich High School, CT

2006-11-27T10:20:00.002-05:00

Yippie!
I was nominated for these two library booklists:

American Library Association Best Books For Young Adults
American Library Association Quick Picks for Reluctant Young Adult Readers

Thanks to all who nominated me!
Hopefully I will get listed!

www.ala.org/yalsa/booklists

2006-10-08T15:47:00.002-04:00

UPDATE: You can read a transcript of the chat here:
http://www.realmentalhealth.com/

Hi all,
I will be moderating a chat at realmentalhealth.com on TUESDAY oct 10th at 9pm (EST).
I'll be talking (writing?) about my book and anxiety disorder. Hope you'll stop by and check it out.

Thanks!

2006-08-23T14:24:00.002-04:00

Last night Ned Vizzini and I read to a packed house at KGB Bar in NYC. Clearly, I read from I Don't Want to Be Crazy. Ned read from It's Kind of a Funny Story, a semi-autobiographical novel about a teen boy hospitalized for depression.
http://www.nedvizzini.com/

Contrary to how it may sound (anxiety + depression = big downer) it was a really good time. Ned is hilarious. He's also a very talented writer and speaker. There was also a great crowd there--lots of friends, co-workers, and strangers. I like strangers.

A nice surprise was the appearance of Wess "Mongo" Jolley from IndieFeed Podcast Network. He created a podcast of my reading. 16 minutes of me reading from Part I of my memoir. It's all Samantha all the time! You can put me inside your little ipod and take me with you. How super is that?!

As of 8/24 you can get the podcast for FREE using the info below. I'll do my best to add it to my myspace page or something, but I'm not so savvy with these newfangled electronics.

Also, photos of the event to come soon...

To get the podcast:
Subscribe via iTunes:
http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?id=120373332&s=143441

Subscribe via an aggregator such as Juice or iPodder (paste this link into your aggregator) : http://feeds.feedburner.com/IndiefeedPerformancePoetry

Or, if you want to just download one show at a time, you can do that through our site:
http://performancepoetry.indiefeed.com/

2006-08-18T14:51:00.000-04:00

I have been reluctant to post random happenings in my blog, but today I was struck by something so bizarre that I had to write about it.

Today I had lunch with a co-worker at a Thai restaurant in Soho. It's called Peep. Lovely atmosphere, if a little loud, and the food was delicious and well priced. I hadn't thought of the name much . . . except for making a brief connection to those marshmallow chicks . . . until I went to the bathroom.

The two bathrooms doors were flush with the back wall of the restaurant. A little weird to walk into the bathroom next to a table, but not the end of the world. When I went inside I had some trouble finding the light. I turned around to keep looking, and was BEYOND shocked to find that I had a view of the ENTIRE restaurant! I froze. What that fuck? I thought. I tried to remind myself that the exterior of the wall was mirrored, but it didn't help much. [I kept questioning if they really had been mirrored, or if I just thought they were.] I stood there for a moment, watching people eat and waiters running around. Was I seriously supposed to pee while looking at 50 strangers . . .who were eating?

Needless to say I have never peed so quickly or with so much anxiety in life.

So, that's it.
Happy Friday.

I hope you all get to pee in peace this weekend.

sam

2006-08-15T11:14:00.001-04:00

I feel like it's my birthday! I just saw these two reviews and couldn't be happier!

"A young author makes a stunning debut with this poetry memoir documenting her personal battle with anxiety disorder and the incapacitating panic attacks that first struck during college. Schutz bares all but is never tedious as she documents the difficulties of finding a good doctor and the right medication while struggling to finish college and set her own course apart from her parents. Anxiety disorders affect an estimated 13 percent of the adult population of the U.S., and Schutz performs a valuable service with this firsthand account of the torment they experience."
--The Buffalo News

"[Schutz's] tale is related in an intimate poetry memoir that is compelling and informative."
--Detroit Free Press

2006-08-14T12:46:00.001-04:00

My next reading is going to be super.

I am reading with Ned Vizzini, author of It's Kind of a Funny Story, a semi-autobiographical novel about a teen hospitalized for depression.

You might be thinking, "Anxiety and depression . . . what a downer." But I can promise there's also a healthy dose of humor in there, too.

August 22, 2006

7pm

KGB Bar: 85 East 4th Street

www.samanthaschutz.net

www.nedvizzini.com

www.kgbbar.com

2006-07-21T10:31:00.001-04:00

From Scholastic.com

“This week at Scholastic headquarters in New York, Trade publishing editor Samantha Schutz told co–workers about some of her greatest personal struggles. No, this wasn’t an impromptu group therapy session, but a "Library Lunchtime Talk" during which Schutz gave one of the first public readings of I Don’t Want to Be Crazy, a poetry memoir about her struggle with anxiety disorder. Released this month under the Scholastic PUSH imprint, the book is already on The Poetry Foundation’s top ten Children’s Best Sellers list.

Introducing the Scholastic employee and first–time author, Scholastic editorial director and executive editor David Levithan said, “Some people use words to hide themselves, others to find themselves. Samantha has used words to find herself, and is brave enough to share them with others.” And share she did, reading poems that describe—sometimes breath to breath—the panic attacks that intensified during her freshman year in college. Based on journals she kept throughout her college years, the poems vividly convey what the experience of an anxiety attack is like—and describe how Schutz learned to cope, with help from campus health services, a therapist, and a psychiatrist.

Schutz recommends this very personal memoir to readers age 14 and up. She is currently talking with representatives of psychiatric associations, clinics, and other interested groups about how her book can be used as a tool to help the thousands of children and adolescents who have anxiety disorder.

You can read more about I Don’t Want To Be Crazy on scholastic.com, and check out her biography while you’re there. Samantha’s personal website has excerpts from her book, links to info resources on anxiety disorder and other mental health concerns, and news about her upcoming readings and events. You can also find out about the Scholastic PUSH imprint, which is dedicated to new authors and new voices, at thisispush.com.”

2006-07-14T13:04:00.001-04:00

Last night I had my book party in NYC. It was amazing. I am so lucky to have oodles of friends and family--and even strangers--that came out to support me.

Many thanks to everyone who made it to my party and thanks to all who support me from afar.

luv,

samie

2006-07-13T16:34:00.001-04:00

This is my "People Have Problems...and So Do You" booklist.

I know I am forgetting some amazing books, but will add more soon. Feel free to add comments of other books I forgot.

Teen Angst? Naaah...: A Quasi-Autobiography
Ned Vizzini
A collection of essays written by the author from age fifteen to seventeen in which he shares impressions of school, sports, cool people, boring people, friends, family, money, music, and obsessions.

It's Kind of a Funny Story
Ned Vizzini
Craig Gilner is a gifted 15-year-old boy who works hard to get into a fiercely competitive high school, then crumbles under the intense academic pressure. Blindsided by his inability to excel and terrified by thoughts of suicide, Craig checks into a psychiatric hospital where he finally gets the help he needs.

Luna
Julie Anne Peters
"This novel sensitively portrays the life of a transgender teen through the eyes of a sympathetic younger sister," wrote PW.

Skin
Adrienne Maria Vrettos
Fourteen-year-old Donnie's older sister, Karen, has always been the one person in his life on whom he could totally depend. But as Karen slowly slips away in the grip of an eating disorder, Donnie finds himself alone in facing the trauma of his parents' faltering marriage and his new life as an outcast at school.

Burn Journals
Brent Runyon
Runyon's first-person account of his close brush with death and his painful rehabilitation is reminiscent of Girl, Interrupted and Running with Scissors.

Talking in the Dark
Billy Merrell
Merrell lays open the journal of his life, taking readers with him through his parents' divorce, his awakening sexuality, and his quest to find love and acceptance while discovering himself in the process.

Perfect
Natasha Friend
Following the death of her father, a thirteen-year-old uses bulimia as a way to avoid her mother's and ten-year-old sister's grief, as well as her own.

Cut
Patricia McCormick
While confined to a mental hospital, thirteen-year-old Callie slowly comes to understand some of the reasons behind her self-mutilation, and gradually starts to get better.

Crank
Ellen Hopkins
This devastating story, told in poetry, is even more frightening because it is based on the author's own experiences with her addicted daughter.

Wild Roses
Deb Caletti
Seventeen-year-old Cassie Morgan has a secret: She's living with a time bomb (a.k.a. her stepfather, Dino Cavalli). To the public, Dino is a world-renowned violinist and composer. To Cassie, he's an erratic, self-centered bully.

Stop Pretending: What Happened when My Big Sister Went Crazy
Sonya Sones
A younger sister has a difficult time adjusting to life after her older sister has a mental breakdown.

Speak
Laurie Halse Anderson
When Melinda Sordino's friends discover she called the police to quiet a party, they ostracize her, turning her into an outcast -- even among kids she barely knows. But even worse than the harsh conformity of high-school cliques is a secret that you have to hide.

Smack
Melvin Burgess
After running away from their troubled homes, two English teenagers move in with a group of squatters in the port city of Bristol and try to find ways to support their growing addiction to heroin.

Damage
Amanda M. Jenkins
Seventeen-year-old football hero Austin, trying to understand the inexplicable depression that has drained his interest in life, thinks that he has found relief in a girl who seems very special.

Shattering Glass
Gail Giles
When Rob, the charismatic leader of the senior class, turns the school nerd into Prince Charming, his actions lead to unexpected violence.

You Remind Me Of You
Eireann Corrigan
Struggling for years with eating disorders, in and out of treatment facilities, Eireann Corrigan is teetering on the brink of no return when her high school boyfriend attempts suicide.

Detour: My Bipolar Road Trip in 4-D
Lizzie Simon
What is it like to be "bipolar"? Lizzie Simon, a 23-year-old afflicted with this form of mental ailment, goes on a road trip in search of others like her and tells all in this frank and surprising memoir.

Kissing Doorknobs
Terry Spencer Hesser, A. J. Allen (Afterword)
Fourteen-year-old Tara describes how her increasingly strange compulsions begin to take over her life and affect her relationships with her family and friends.

Just Checking
Emily Colas
A frank and funny first-person account of living with obsessive-compulsive disorder.

2006-07-11T17:31:00.001-04:00

panicdisorder.about.com gave me a really nice review. Thanks Cathleen!

"With raw honesty, Samantha Schutz tells of her personal struggles with panic disorder in I Don't Want to Be Crazy. Framing her journey within her years at college, Schutz writes of her experiences in verse. Easily accessible, the poetry engages the reader instantly and captures the intensity of life with panic disorder. While I Don't Want to Be Crazy often is emotionally painful, the underlying message is one of hope."

Pros
Writing style draws the reader in, from the start
Author's honesty about struggles and triumphs keeps the reader connected
The poetry is emotionally engaging, and the reader feels the author's ups and downs with her.

Cons
There really are no cons -- but readers seeking a "cure" may be disappointed

Description
A memoir written in verse, the book captures and relates emotion in ways that prose would not.
The author accurately depicts the intensity of panic, often inducing emotion in the reader.
For the young panic sufferer, Schutz's memoir provides insight and information.
Ultimately, the book is about asking for help. Schutz shows how she does it and why it's OK.

Guide Review
Samantha Schutz did not experience her first panic attack in college, but it was there that her attacks intensified enough to make her take notice. And then they intensified enough to change her way of living and her way of thinking about herself and the world.

I Don't Want to Be Crazy is Schutz's poetic account of her emotional journey from college freshman year to her first jobs after graduation. From the beginning, Schutz wrestles with many of the same hopes and fears every young person faces. Early in her freshman year, however, Schutz begins to experience intense panic attacks and has no idea what is happening until she winds up at her school's counseling center.

To a reader with an anxiety disorder, the most valuable aspect of I Don't Want to Be Crazy is the author's honesty. Schutz is truthful about every last fear she has, even when, in the past, she was sure she would be considered a "freak" should anyone know what was happening inside her. Schutz is truthful about therapy and medication; for her, there was no overnight cure, just as there isn't for many of us. Finally, Schutz is truthful about why she keeps fighting, about why she believes she is worth it.

I Don't Want to Be Crazy adeptly captures the pain and frustration of panic disorder in a way that captivates the reader from start to finish. At the same time, Schutz lets us know that there is hope:

2006-06-30T11:51:00.001-04:00

I had my first reading on Wednesday and it went really well. I thought I was going to be nervous, but I was surprisingly calm. I'm sure it didn't hurt that every time I looked into the audience I saw family members and close friends.

I read a section from Part III, when I am studying abroad in Paris.

I just need to put a little space
between me and the panic.
I need a little bit of calm
so I can get a grip
and hold on to something,
to pull myself up and out.

THANK YOU to everyone who came out to support me.

2006-06-27T10:58:00.001-04:00

More NYC readings!

Can't come see me on June 28th @ Teabag Poet's Lounge....here's one more chance.

Tuesday July 11th, 7pm--FREE
Bluestockings
172 Allen Street [between Stanton and Rivington]
http://www.bluestockings.com/

Bluestockings is a radical bookstore, fair trade cafe, and activist center in the Lower East Side of Manhattan. Come support them . . . and me.

I am already getting fan mail!

2006-06-26T16:48:00.002-04:00

I think it is completely amazing that I am already getting fan mail!
I have only written a few fan emails, and there were all after I had a book deal--as if that gave me some sort of credibility...

I think it's really courageous to send an email to a stranger, praising them, without the certainty that you'll get a reply. But I suppose the reply is secondary. . . sharing how the work made you feel is the important part.

"When I read some of your book, I didn't feel alone anymore."

"Your words described some of my own experiences so precisely, it made me look back at those times and appreciate how far I've come, how much stronger I am, and how much I've grown."

"I felt like I was reading my own journal entries from years ago when I struggled with anxiety attacks. Thank you SO MUCH for writing your book. I hope young people who are fighting their own battles with the consuming anxiety and fear will read your book and find comfort. I wish I had read this when I was going through my hell."

For many years, having an anxiety disorder shaped nearly every bit of my life...

2006-06-21T16:15:00.002-04:00

For the last few years, whenever I tried to talk about my experience with anxiety disorder, I ran into the same problem. I couldn’t describe myself as having an anxiety disorder because I’d gone months without having a panic attack. And I couldn’t say I had an anxiety disorder because I still felt its effects.

Trying to find the right verb was more than just semantics. For many years, having an anxiety disorder shaped nearly every bit of my life—where I went, who I went with, how long I stayed. I do not believe that anxiety disorder can be flipped off like a switch, and accordingly, simply using past or present tense did not accurately reflect how I was feeling. The body has an unbelievable capacity to remember pain, and my body was not ready to forget what I had been through. It was only about a year ago that I settled on saying, “I am in recovery from anxiety disorder.”

I was diagnosed with panic disorder only a few months into my freshman year of college. My first attacks were scattered and seemingly without pattern. But it wasn’t long before the attacks picked up speed and I was having several a day. I often felt nervous, not in control of my body, and convinced that I was going to die. As their frequency increased, it became difficult to do normal things like go to class, the dining hall, or parties.

It was textbook panic disorder. Only I didn’t know that. I thought I had gone crazy and that all the things I hoped for in my life—that my parents hoped for—were gone and that I’d become one of those stories (the one about the nice young girl who goes off to college with a bright future and comes home with a fistful of pills and a blank look on her face).

I am thankful that I possess two qualities: being forthcoming about my feelings and being proactive about my health. I believe that these qualities are a big part of the reason that I was able to ask for help. And getting help was surprisingly easy. One fall afternoon I went to my college’s counseling center and asked for an appointment. Within days I was seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist and was on medication.

That was ten years ago. Since that fall, I have seen more than a half dozen therapists and taken as many different medications. I’ve had two episodes where I nearly checked myself into a hospital. I have been to yoga and meditation classes, swung tennis rackets at pillows, practiced the art of breathing, tried hypnosis, and taken herbal remedies. I’ve done things that once seemed impossible—like going to crowded concerts or sitting with relative ease in a packed lecture hall. I’ve also gone many months at a time without panic attacks or medication. Most recently, I published I Don’t Want to Be Crazy, a memoir about my experiences with panic disorder.

People want to know why I’m better. They want to know the formula. Again, this is not a simple question with a simple answer. For sure, fluctuating hormones, growing older, moving out of my parents’ house, and becoming more confident and secure with myself have all impacted my recovery. The only thing I can say with certainty is that my commitment to therapy and my willingness to try new medications has made the most difference.

2006-06-20T16:54:00.001-04:00

I Don't Want to Be Crazy readings in NYC

I'll be doing a short reading with several other poets at Silk Road Café/Teabag Poets Lounge.The second one is at KGB with Ned Vizzini, a super author. If you can only make it to one event, this is the one to go to.

Wednesday, June 28th
8:00-10:00 p.m.
Silk Road Café/Teabag Poets Lounge
30 Mott Street
$1 at the door, with $5 drink minimum
www.teabagnyc.com/poetslounge.shtml

Thursday, July 20th7:00-9:00 p.m. [CANCELLED, WILL BE AT END OF AUGUST]
FREE Reading
[also with Ned Vizzini, author of Its Kind of Funny Story www.nedvizzini.com]
KGB Bar
85 East 4th Street
www.kgbbar.com

I Don't Want to Be Crazy is in College Bound magazine

2006-06-13T16:03:00.001-04:00

An amazing ad in the summer issue of College Bound magazine. http://www.collegebound.net/

I'm on seventeen.com

2006-06-12T12:07:00.002-04:00

My book is on Seventeen magazine's Web site!!!
http://www.seventeen.com/funstuff/games/

Which must-read book should be on your summer reading list? Take this quiz for a list of six exciting books that you won't be able to put down!

My book falls under the DRAMA category:
You thrive on hearing the latest gossip and juicy secrets! That's why we know you'll be into books with a mix of romance and drama all rolled into one!

What they say about my book:
A true story, this book is about coming to grips with a psychological disorder. When Samantha first left home for college, she thought she was leaving behind all the things that were holding her back from independence -- her parents, her boyfriend and the person she was supposed to be. But, as new pressures in her life increase, Samantha begins to suffer from anxiety attacks that leave her shaken and even physically incapacitated. She then heads on a journey down the road to discovery, learning to cope with her new disorder.

Sightings!

2006-06-12T11:12:00.001-04:00

There has been a sighting! A writer from Arizona bought my book in Borders.
So, this makes it officially ON SALE!

I'll have to go to my local book store to see it for myself...

So it happened! I held my book.

2006-05-25T17:46:00.001-04:00

So it happened! I held my book.
I was sitting at work when someone dropped two copies on my desk.
For a while, I had wondered how I would react when I finally saw my book. Would I cry? Scream? Be speechless?
It turns out that I did a lot of jumping up and down . . . . and a look-at-how-gorgeous-my-book-is dance [there are no words to describe how silly this was.]
I stared at the book for a long time. I felt the cover, smelled the paper, inspected the binding, appreciated that I didn't look like a freak in my author photo, and oh-ed and ah-ed over the garnet colored endpapers. [Somehow I had forgotten that hardcovers have those.]
Then I ran around the office showing my book to anyone who would talk to me. After I made the rounds, my face was sore from all the smiling.

And then I remembered that thousands of these books are going to be printed and [hopefully] read. Oddly enough, I sometimes forget that--like the process of writing and getting my book published was only for me.
People ask me all the time if that's weird--knowing that strangers will be reading about the worst part of my life. Strangers I can deal with. I don't have to talk to them. I don't have to sit next to them at dinner or in a meeting.
The thing that sometimes freaks me out is that several of my coworkers [and my parents] have read it. Lately, people have been coming up to me at work to tell me congratulations and that they just read my book.
I am always tremendously grateful to hear when someone has read my book. Thrilled if they say they liked it. A little bit sad when they say that they, or someone they know, has an anxiety disorder.

But when the conversation is over, I have to erase it. I can't walk around the office thinking, he knows how I've been on more than a 1/2 dozen different medications or she knows how close I came to hospitalization . . . and then of course, there’s the stuff about guys . . . .

But in reality, I know that what I wrote about isn’t all that different from what other people have gone through. Yeah, the details are different, but the emotions are the same.

We all have problems.

2006-05-09T17:57:00.001-04:00

We all have problems.
But that's ok. That's life.
What's not ok is NOT GETTING HELP.

Approximately one in five young people suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year. (Department of Health & Human Services)

An estimated two-thirds of all young people with mental health problems are not getting the help they need. (Department of Health & Human Services)

Approximately one in four adults—more than 57 million people—suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year. (National Institute of Mental Health)

Anxiety Disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S. with 19.1 million (13.3%) of the adult U.S. population (ages 18-54) affected.

As many as 1 in 10 young people (10%) may have an anxiety disorder. (U.S. Department of Health & Human Services)

Nearly 50% of all adolescents who are clinically depressed also have an anxiety disorder. (NYU Child Study Center)

20-40% of all adolescents with eating disorders will also have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. (NYU Child Study Center)

Bio...

2006-05-09T17:51:00.004-04:00

Queens, New York, December 1978. I was born too early and too small. Weighing just shy of four pounds, my father said I looked like a chicken. My mother said I looked like a china doll. I’m not sure what my three-year-old sister thought of me, but I’ve heard stories about toddlers trying to put their new siblings in the trash.

Elementary school started out okay. I have a few select memories from kindergarten: a student’s grandfather, an Italian chef, coming to our class to cook squid on a hot plate; building a toy car out of pieces of wood; and putting milk money into a very, very small brown envelope.

The next few years were mostly all right. The highs included: performing as Jackie and the Beanstalk in a third-grade play, reading Choose Your Own Adventure books (and always cheating), and getting up to “knee-zies” in Chinese jump rope. The lows included: hiding in the bathroom whenever math homework was collected in the fifth grade, frequent feelings of déjà vu, and being told I had “skeleton hands” by the boy I had a crush on.

Sixth grade was the beginning of a new era—private school—where the classes were small and my inability to do math was quickly discovered. This is also when I wrote my first short story. It was based on an old photograph of my mother’s—a man and a woman standing in the woods with their backs to the camera.

My teacher gave me an A, something I didn’t often get. My parents went crazy for the story, and my seeming maturity. The consensus was that I had talent.

At some point in high school I started keeping a journal (not to be confused with the pink diaries with heart shaped locks that I had had before). Every few months I’d go to the drug store to buy a new marble composition book. I’d spend a lot of time decorating the cover with stickers, drawings, photos, and cut outs from magazines. And when I thought the cover was sufficiently cool, I’d start writing in it.

When I was a senior in high school, I took AP Writing. Our teacher required us to write ten journal pages a week. I think I was one of the few in the class who didn’t mind. But by then I was already a journal addict. I couldn’t go anywhere without it. And if I left my notebook at home by mistake, I would write on scraps of paper, napkins, my hand, anything. (This was also the year I discovered Anais Nin--the undisputed queen of journal writing.)
There were two things I loved most about having a journal. The first was that it filled my time. Waiting for a train? No problem. Stuck on the bus? All set. Trying to ignore my classmates during my free period? Super.

The second thing I loved was how my journals felt. Not the weight of the book, but the pages. I loved running my hands over my writing, over the impressions made by my pen. It was like my own version of braile.

When I was ready to begin writing I Don’t Want to Be Crazy, my memoir about anxiety disorder, I took out my journals from senior year of high school through the year after I graduated college. I thought that transcribing all the entries about anxiety would be easy--that there would be enough to fill a book. I was so wrong. My journals from freshman year had almost nothing about anxiety--ironic since I thought I was losing my mind.

Things didn’t look so easy anymore. I needed a new plan. Instead, I used my journals to help me recreate my world. They reminded me who I was friends with, what types of parties I went to, and what classes I was in. Other journals were more helpful—especially the ones from when I was studying abroad in Paris my junior year. Those journals were far more explicit about my anxiety. For the first time, I could actually lift entire poems from my journal and use them in my book (with much editing, of course).

One thing that I noticed throughout all my journals was a constant self-awareness of their significance. I would often scold myself as I wrote: “Must write neater. This is going to be important.” I had always fantasized that one day my journals would be published—although, I was fairly certain that I would have to die tragically first.

Thankfully, that didn’t happen. I Don't Want to Be Crazy came out in July 2006, and I'm still here. I live in New York City and work as a children’s book editor at a publishing house. I still write in my journal whenever I can.

2006-03-18T21:07:00.001-05:00

It's an honor to have gotten a blurb from Ellen Hopkins, author of Crank, an astounding novel in verse.

"Versifying a novel takes craft and dedication. Versifying a memoir takes courage. I Don't Want to Be Crazy invites readers inside the head of a young woman questioning her sanity. Author Samantha Schutz must be commended for allowing readers such a personal glimpse of this frightening piece of her life experience. "

--Ellen Hopkins
You can visit her at www.ellenhopkins.com

Deb Caletti reveiws I Don't Want to BE Crazy

2006-03-03T15:40:00.004-05:00

I just got the most wonderful blurb from YA author Deb Caletti!
She is the award-winning author of several books including Honey, Baby Sweetheart (A National Book Award finalist), The Queen of Everything, and Wild Roses. Visit her at www.debcaletti.com.

"I Don't Want To Be Crazy is intense, intimate, heartbreaking . . . Its power is in its honesty, which is so profound and affecting, I had to remind myself to breathe."

--Deb Caletti

People want to share.

2006-02-24T11:25:00.001-05:00

People want to share.

The most amazing thing happens when I tell people about my book--they tell me their problems, their mother's problems, their cousin's problems, their roommate's problems.
People I've never met before, and who I'd imagine would never tell a stranger about their mental health problems, can't wait to dish. I don't think that these people were walking the streets, bursting at the seams to talk about anxiety disorder, and happened on me. Instead, I think that hearing about my openness and and willingness to be honest triggers something in them. I think people want to be open. I think people want to share--only they don't want to be the one that cracks first. They don't want to be the one caught "with their insides hanging on their outside" (a quote from my mom) if the other person isn't going to do the same.

I always crack first. That's just how I'm built. Of course, I want to be open because that's what feels right to me--but there's something else. I want to be open because I want people to know me. But maybe that's just a crafty way of trying to get to know other people, too.

It all started in my psychiatrist’s office a few years ago.

2006-02-21T11:07:00.002-05:00

It all started in my psychiatrist’s office a few years ago.

He asked how I’d been doing and if I’d had any panic attacks lately. I thought about the last few weeks and all the places I’d gone. Work. Supermarket. Gym. Concert. Friends’ houses. Hardware store. Nope. No panic attacks. But that couldn’t be right.

I thought about it some more and realized that it had been weeks since I had felt any surges of anxiety and months since I’d actually had a panic attack. How was that even possible? Only a few years before, I was in college and having as many as five panic attacks a day.

Even though I wasn’t currently having a lot of problems with anxiety, I was living like I did. It still took a good amount of convincing to get me to go to places where I used to have panic attacks. I’d still go home earlier than my friends on a Saturday night. And I still hated checking my coat at bars or restaurants in case I needed to make a quick escape. Things were better—but I didn’t feel better.

In order to make sense of my lack of anxiety, in order to really feel it, I was going to have to quantify it. I thought that if I could remind myself of how bad things were in college, I could see how different—and how good—my life was now.

From the ages of fourteen through twenty, I faithfully kept a journal. As a teenager, I’d go to the drug store every few months to buy a new marble notebook. I’d spend a lot of time decorating the cover with stickers, drawings, photos, and cut outs from magazines and when I thought the cover was sufficiently cool, I’d start writing in it.

When I got home from my psychiatrist’s office, I took out my journals from college. I got comfortable in my favorite green armchair and started reading. I only had to read a few pages to see how bad things were. I’d written a lot about being sad and tired all the time and how I hated going to class because I’d end up having a panic attack. I kept reading, but the words didn’t seem like mine. They were someone else’s--someone who was in a lot of pain and not sure if she was going to get better. I could barely remember this person—let alone identify with her.

What got me writing the book was simple.
There were no books for teens about anxiety disorder. (There are of course, many self-help-type books on the subject, but they weren’t engaging reads and they didn’t make me feel any less alone.) There are books for teens about drug abuse, depression, rape, suicide, OCD, cutting, learning disabilities, eating disorders…but there were no books about generalized anxiety disorder or panic disorder--ironic since anxiety often plays a major role in other disorders. In short, I wanted representation.

Everyone knows what it’s like to feel anxious...

2006-02-17T15:10:00.001-05:00

Everyone knows what it’s like to feel anxious.

Anxiety and fear are important—and normal—parts of our lives. Anxiety can give us the kick we need to study late into the night, stay alert in what could be a dangerous situation, and keep us on our toes during a presentation. In short, it helps us cope. But this normally helpful emotion can do the exact opposite for people with an anxiety disorder. It can keep them from facing everyday problems or situations and even paralyze them with fear.

If you have an anxiety disorder, or any other type of problem that is making your life unmanageable, know that you are not alone. According to a report by the United States Surgeon General, anxiety disorders are the most common psychiatric illnesses--more than 19 million American adults and more than one in ten American children and adolescents have an anxiety disorder.

Unfortunately, many young people are not getting the help they need. If you are having a hard time with anxiety, or anything else, you don’t need to be ashamed—you need to get help. Talk to a parent, teacher, school counselor, or friend. There are countless resources on the Internet, including information about “live” and on-line support groups for people of all ages.

Check out some of the links below.

Cover and excerpt from I Don't Want to Be Crazy

2006-02-17T12:47:00.002-05:00

The cover and an excerpt...

Excerpt from I Don’t Want to Be Crazy, Part I

I don’t understand what’s happening.
I am sitting in Writing Seminar
and it feels like my hands are shaking,
like I’ve got a tremor.
I try hard to focus, stare at my hands,
but I can’t tell whether or not they’re shaking.
I don’t understand why I can’t tell.
I should be able to tell
if my own hands are shaking.
My eyesight can’t be trusted.
I’d try sitting on my hands,
but that would make people stare,
if they haven’t already noticed the shaking.
I try clasping my hands together,
but that’s no good, either.
I can see myself with my hands together,
banging them up and down on the desk
like a piston, like a cartoon sledgehammer.
I see myself doing it,
but I know I’m not.
I can’t be.
If I were, people would be staring.

When class is over,
I am tired and sweaty.
I didn’t see anyone looking at me,
so I must not have done anything crazy.
Maybe I’m getting sick
or maybe I’m finally addicted to cigarettes.
This feeling, the sweating, the shaking—
it must be a nicotine fit.

I go outside with the other smokers,
suck down a few cigarettes before class,
hoping it will make me feel better,
hoping it will calm my nerves.

A friend of Sarah’s from psych class
comes by to pick her up for a party.
Her name is Rebecca.
When I introduce myself
she says that we’ve met before—
that she remembers my eyes.
I feel kind of stupid
for not remembering her,
but she doesn’t seem to care
and invites me to go with them to the party.

When we get there,
Rebecca and Sarah start dancing.
I lean on one of the speakers instead,
let the bass crawl over my back like fingers
and watch kids in big pants
dance in the light and smoke.

Rebecca grabs my hand
and pulls me onto the dance floor.
I can’t stop watching the people around me—
watching what they do,
watching to see if they are watching me
dancing like an idiot.

Rebecca is dancing with her eyes shut
and she is smiling.
She doesn’t care what anyone thinks
and it is amazing.

Rebecca and her friends
have been together since the first week.
There’s her roommate Rachel,
and Amanda, Tara, and Jennifer.
We all hang out in Rebecca’s room and they joke about
how they stopped hanging out with this crazy girl Monica
at the same time they started hanging out with me—
like I took her spot.

Being with them is like walking in
after a play has already started.
You try to slip in quietly and find your seat,
but people turn around,
give you dirty looks,
and whisper to their neighbors
about how rude you are.

A few months ago,
leaving for college seemed glamorous,
but now it’s hard to believe
that this little dorm room,
with its scratchy sheets
and a lock that sticks,
is home.

It’s hard to accept
that this is my new life,
that these are my new friends.

I am one in many here.
There are dozens here as good as me,
even more who are smarter,
funnier, prettier.
And it scares me
because before I stuck out
and now I blend in
like a pair of khakis
and a baseball cap
at a keg party.

I can’t sit still in class.
I can’t hear what the teacher is saying.
All I can hear is my voice in my head
telling me that things are not right—
that I am not right.
I am trapped in this classroom.
It feels like something
is trying to push its way out of me,
out of my chest.
I feel like everyone can see it bubbling up,
like they’re waiting for me to burst,
to boil over.

I have to get out of here.
I fake a coughing fit and leave,
but once I get in the hallway
I realize I’m still trapped—
stuck inside of this shaking, sweating body.
I’d rip my skin off if I could.
The only place that seems safe
is the bathroom.
Sitting in a stall, with my chest on my thighs,
I try to breathe,
But the more I think about my breathing,
the more I feel like I can’t breathe.
It feels like I have a raging fever,
like my insides are melting.
This must be what it feels like
the moment before you die.

I have been telling myself
that these feelings are new,
but they aren’t.
I just didn’t connect them before.

I felt it the first time I smoked pot junior year.
At first things were fun,
but then everything broke.

It felt like my chest caved in
and I couldn’t tell the difference
between the bass in the music
and a car alarm going off outside.
I couldn’t get my mind to stop racing.
I felt like I had no control over my body—
like my arms and legs were twitching.
I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital.
I thought I was going to die.
I told myself it was the pot.

But it happened again,
before college,
when I wasn’t high.
I was in Staples with my dad,
shopping for school supplies.

All of a sudden the ground felt soft
and the sounds around me
were too fast and too slow
at the same time.

I thought I would lose control,
do something crazy—start screaming
right there in the pen aisle.
My dad would know.
Everyone would know.

Now this feeling follows me
everywhere I go.
It clings to me,
makes my skin crawl,
makes my skin burn
when I walk across campus,
when I check books out of the library,
when I talk to my friends.
It sits with me in class,
whispers in my ear,
tells me that I shouldn’t be here.

Please God make this feeling stop.
I can’t take it.
Breathe.
Breathe.
Breathe.
Make it stop.
Please.
Must concentrate on something,
anything.

8:00 a.m.
Smack alarm clock.
Haul ass out of bed.
Shower with very hot water.

8:23 a.m.
Dress.
Paint over dark circles under eyes.
Add color to cheeks.

8:47 a.m.
Eat breakfast alone.
Avoid caffeine.
Try to ignore all the noise.

9:03 a.m.
Smoke cigarette.
Go to Writing Seminar.

9:34 a.m.
Feel light-headed.
Feel like passing out.
Fake coughing fit.
Leave class.
Drink water.
Go to bathroom.
Pull down pants.
Sit on toilet.
Put chest on thighs.
Stare at tiles.
Breathe deeply.
Breathe deeply.

9:39 a.m.
Get a grip.
Return to class.

10:00 a.m.
Go back to dorm room.
Get under covers.
Sleep.

12:45 p.m.
Eat lunch with friends.
Try to ignore the noise.

1:20 p.m.
Smoke cigarette.
Go to Freshman Seminar.

1:46 p.m.
Feel like people are staring.
Feel hot.
Feel cold.
Feel out of control.
Fake coughing fit.
Leave class.
Drink water.
Go to bathroom.
Pull down pants.
Sit on toilet.
Put chest on thighs.
Stare at tiles.
Breathe deeply.
Breathe deeply.

1:54 p.m.
Get a grip.
Return to class.

There’s this warm white light
that comes in the window
of the waiting room in Health Services.
I’ve been in a bunch of times
for back pain, sinus pressure, dizziness,
a hemorrhoid that I thought was ass cancer.

I like how the blood pressure cuff feels
tight around my arm,
the way the nurses put the cold stethoscope
to my chest and listen,
listen,
listen.

Rebecca, her friends, and I
hang out a lot now,
but I’m pretty sure they think I’m crazy.
One minute I’m fine, talking about homework,
eating lasagna in the dining hall,
and the next I’m complaining
about how dim the lighting is
and running out the door
to get back to my room
and under the covers.

We go to Freshman Seminar together,
but sitting with half the freshman class
crammed into the theater is more than I can take.
Sometimes I go to the bathroom
and don’t come back.

I have moved from the front row
of all my classes to the back.
I can’t take the feeling of people
looking at me, burning holes in my back.
Back here I can hide
my shaking hands and feet.

I have resigned myself
to the fact that I have gone insane.
I am too tired
to keep fighting
the empty feeling in my stomach
and the buzzing in my head.

This was not supposed to be how things turned out.
There were steps taken, expectations—
a specialized kindergarten and elementary school,
a prestigious private high school
complete with a kilt and knee socks,
summer study programs disguised as camp.

This is not
how things are supposed to be.