Got Advice?

I get a lot of emails asking for advice about dealing emotional issues. I am honored that you would want my opinion, but I am not a doctor or therapist. All the answers below are based on my own personal experiences. Be sure to check out the professional advice in the links to http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/ and the other sites, too. (Go Ask Alice! is produced by the Alice! Health Promotion Program at Columbia University — a division of Health Services at Columbia.)

I am dealing with anxiety or another mental illness. Can you give me some advice?
I am not a doctor or therapist. The only advice I can impart is based on my own experiences with panic disorder. I started by going to my general doctor to get checked out. Once it was clear that I didn’t have any physical problems, I began therapy and then medication. I think a commitment to both those things is what has made the most difference for me.
Also, getting into a healthy routine is always good. That means sleeping enough, eating right, doing some sort of exercise. You’d be surprised how much getting into a healthy routine can help. Also, consider taking an art class or dance class or starting to write in a journal. Anything you can do to help get out your feelings is great. The important thing to remember is that you DESERVE to feel better and you need to do whatever necessary to get there.

Does dealing with mental illness ever get easier?
That’s a hard question. For me, dealing with panic disorder has been series of ups and downs. I was first diagnosed about fifteen years ago. The first few years were hard (with some long spans in between when things were good). The last few years have been so much better. I rarely have panic attacks and can go MANY months without one. I can attribute that to many things. One of which is that my life is more stable than when I was eighteen. When I was eighteen, like many teens, I left for college and that meant a lot of changes in my life. I left home, lived on my own, had to make new friends, etc. I also moved so many times (each year into the dorm and then back home to my parents’). And now, fifteen years later, I see that my anxiety returns when I go through big changes. For instance, I recently moved and that made me fairly anxious. So I’ve learned to me more vigilant around times of big change.

Am I the only person going through this?
NO! Since the publication of my memoir, I Don’t Want to Be Crazy, I have had the privilege of getting letters from people of all ages. These letters are about fears, struggles, isolation...but also about hope and recovery. The most common phrase in all the emails is: “Your story made me feel less alone.” The repetition of this phrase is not surprising since one in four adults suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year—that translates into nearly 58 million people (NIMH). Of those disorders, anxiety disorders are the most common, affecting 40 million adults (ADAA).

I am honored to receive these letters, but these stories—like mine—have the power to help others. With this in mind, I created www.youmakemefeellessalone.blogspot.com as a place for people like YOU to contribute your stories, poems, and artwork. Together, we can close the gap between all those people who are “one in four” and struggling with mental illness. You can also check out a list of helpful/interesting (mostly fiction) books here: http://www.samanthaschutz.net/resources.html#booklist.

How can I find the strength to deal with this illness for my entire life?
That’s a really overwhelming question to think about. I would suggest focusing on today. In my experience, thinking about huge things like a “lifetime of anxiety” has only stressed me out more. Like if you have ten different things to do in one day, it can make you crazy and stressed out to think about all ten at once. But if you start by taking care of one thing and then go from there, it seems so much more manageable.

Should I tell my friends and family what I am going through?
That’s for you to decide. If you feel like you have people in your life who love and support you, I would recommend sharing how you are feeling. This is a lot to deal with on your own. And keeping it to yourself can only add to the burden.

I am a teen and my parents don’t understand what I am going through. They don’t think it’s a big deal. What can I do?
It must be really hard to feel like an important person in your life doesn’t understand you. You could try giving that person my book, printing out articles from the internet, taking them to a local support group, etc. But if you find you can’t get the support you need from your family, think about someone else you can go to. Is there a friend, another family member, teacher, or guidance counselor you could talk to? You deserve to feel better and if someone is preventing you from doing that, you need to seek other outlets.

FYI: If you are in college, there is a good chance that there is a free counseling center on campus. Call your college’s Health Services Department to find out.

Should I see a therapist?
There is a helpful and comprehensive answer here:
http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/9397.html

What kinds of therapy are there?
There is a helpful and comprehensive answer here:
http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/8396.html

What can I do if I can’t afford a therapist?
Sometimes therapists will take a reduced fee. You just have to ask. There may also be free or low cost services in your area. You can start by calling LIFENET at 1-800-543-3638, or visiting http://www.800lifenet.org/cms/mha.
You can also check here: http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/1194.html

FYI: If you are in college, there is a good chance that there is a free counseling center on campus. Call your college’s Health Services Department to find out.

Should I go on medication?
I am not a doctor. I can’t give you advice about that. I can only tell you about my experiences. In the beginning, I really struggled with the idea of going on meds. But one therapist asked me if I would question taking meds if I had diabetes. I answered, “Of course I would take meds for that.” She wanted to know how that was different from taking meds for anxiety. That had a big impact on me! Over the years I have taken several different medications. Some had side effects. Some didn’t. Some worked well. Some didn’t. For some people it can be a process of trial and error, but I think it’s worth it.

I am feeling suicidal or like I might hurt myself or someone else. What should I do?
You MUST immediately call 911 or a friend that can help you. For more information go to http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Can you tell me some helpful websites?
http://www.samanthaschutz.net/resources.html#links

Check out an interview I did for National Poetry Month here. I talk about inspiration, my writing process, favorite books, and MORE!

There are also interviews with Ellen Hopkins, Wendy Maas, Jen Bryant, Lisa Schroeder, Thalia Chaltas, and Betsy Franco.

Enjoy!

Wanna hear/see my super-amazing-rockstar editor David Levithan talk about my new book, You Are Not Here?

Check out the video: http://www.scholastic.com/listpreviewwebcast

You can skip ahead to 47:37 to hear about my book, or take a listen to the whole thing and hear about all of Scholastic's big books for Fall 2010! (FYI, what's shown is not the final cover. The one in my previous post is.)

Preorder You Are Not Here here from Amazon or B&N.

Hooray! Here's the front cover of my new book, You Are Not Here. It'll be out in October.

Here's the blurb that will be on the book:

Annaleah and Brian had something special -- Annaleah is sure of it. When they were together, they didn't need anyone else. It didn't matter that it was secret. All that mattered was what they shared.

And then, suddenly, Brian dies. And while everyone else has their role in the grieving process, Annaleah finds herself living on the outside of it, unacknowledged and lonely. How can you recover from a loss no one will let you have?

And here's a third sneak peak poem from the book.

As I walk home I realize
that I have the answers
to the questions
I’ve always asked about Brian:

Where is Brian?
Two blocks away.

What is he doing?
Lying quietly, still.

When is he going to call?
Never.

CONTEST ALERT!

National Poetry Month starts in April. To celebrate, I am hosting a poetry contest!

Click here for more info: http://www.youmakemefeellessalone.blogspot.com/

It's that time again. The NYC Teen Author Festival will be from 3/15-3/21. Come and and meet some great authors and hear some amazing stories.

I'll be doing events on 3/18, 3/19, and 3/21.

Hey friends,

Check out a radio interview I did about writing, I Don't Want to Be Crazy, my new book, and more at http://www.kpon.org/ (click on Penguin Tracks to get to the podcast.) This interview also features YA writers Niki Burnham and Kieran Scott.

Be well,

Sam

After many, many months, my book has a name: You Are Not Here.

It also (sort of) has a cover. Not sure when I can show it, but it's a really beautiful photograph. An image I had thought about while writing, actually...and my publisher came upon it without me even mentioning it. It's nice when things work out.

So, I am back from vacation, very rested, and eagerly waiting for notes on my second draft. For this draft, I did A LOT of new writing and moved around the order of many of the poems. That's sort of the beauty of writing in verse--it gives you the ability to shuffle things in a way that I don't think you can with prose.

Here's a sneak peak at a poem I really like:

I’m trying to decide what is worse.
Someone being gone,
but still out there,
or someone being gone forever,
dead.
I think someone being gone,
but still out there might be worse.
Then there’s always the chance,
the hoping,
the wondering
if things might change.
If maybe one day they’ll come back.
There’s also the wondering about
what their new life is like.
The life without you.
Are they more happy?
And if they are,
you’re left being sad,
wondering what it would be like
if you were happy with them.

But when someone is dead,
they’re dead.
They’re not coming back.
There is no second chance.
Death is a period
at the end of a sentence.
Someone gone, but still out there
is an ellipses . . . or a question
to be answered.

The first few posts are up at www.youmakemefeellessalone.blogspot.com.

Check them out! Subscribe! Send in your own stories!

Your words are powerful. Your words can help people.
Share them.

Dear Friends,

Since the publication of my memoir, I Don’t Want to Be Crazy, I have had the privilege of getting your letters. You write about your fears, your struggles, your isolation...but also of your hope and recovery. The most common phrase in all your emails is: “Your story made me feel less alone.” The repetition of this phrase is not surprising since one in four adults suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year—that translates into nearly 58 million people (NIMH). Of those disorders, anxiety disorders are the most common—affecting 40 million adults (ADAA).

I am honored to be your audience of one, but your story—like mine—has the power to help others. With this in mind, I created www.YouMakeMeFeelLessAlone.blogspot.com as a place for YOU to contribute your stories and poems. Together, we can close the gap between all those people who are “one in four” and struggling with mental illness.

Your words are powerful. Your words can help people.

Share them.

Be well,

Sam

* * *

How do I post?

1) Email your submission to samanthaschutz@hotmail.com. (In order to keep the site organized and free of unrelated content, I will post your submission for you. However, all readers will be able post comments directly to the site.)

2) Put “YouMakeMeFeelLessAlone” in the subject line.

3) Copy and paste the info below to the top of your email. Then fill in the answers.

Do you want your name to appear with your post?

If so, do you want your full name or first name only? ______________

Do you want to post anonymously? ______________

What is your age? ______________ (FYI: If you are under 18, I am not comfortable posting full names and locations.)

Where do you live? ______________

If I create a Twitter account (or something similar) for this program, could I post a snippet of your submittion?

When will my post appear?

Once I get a few initial submissions (and finish the design of the blog), I will begin posting. After that, I hope to put up posts within a week or so of getting your submission.

What are the guidelines?

-Keep posts to under 500 words.

-Submit only about topics relating to mental illness.

-Take care and pride in your post. Please review your submission carefully before emailing me.

What else should I know?

-Your post is yours. By posting you are NOT giving me any rights to your words.

-You can subscribe to this blog for free. That way you’ll get an email each time there is a new post.

At long last, I've heard back from my glorious editor about my manuscript. I think the highlight of his email is when he wrote that the ms was "thoroughly disturbing." I don't think I could come up with a better compliment that that. But, uh, I guess that's just me.

So, the work begins again. I'm really excited to get back into it after months of distance. (It's also not so bad that I have a shiny new apartment and shiny new desk to work at.)

More to come! I hope to be posting more frequently about the revisions process.

Sam

So the first draft of my new novel has been delivered to my editor! The last few weeks have been totally exhausting and I am so glad that I have some time before I’ll need to look at the manuscript again.

The process was not easy (and it’s far from over). But it was also really interesting. I’ve never written fiction before. A lot of people said that fiction would be easier than memoir—after all, you can make up whatever you want in fiction. But for me, that made it even harder. I had to come up with everything—every place, every name, every emotion. When I wrote I Don’t Want to Be Crazy, I knew the story. I knew the characters. I knew the emotions. Because I lived it all. The hardest part was figuring out how to tell the story (as opposed to figuring out what the story was).

This novel has been years in the works. It was probably sometime in late 2006 that I first got the idea. And it came from such a random place. I was in a meeting and a coworker said something like “Wow. That would be a crazy place to live.” I don’t even remember what he said, but the first thing I thought of was that it would be weird to live across the street from a cemetery. And later, I thought it’d be even weirder to live across the street from a cemetery if someone you cared about were buried there. Then this little idea came to be a bigger idea. What if a teenage girl’s boyfriend suddenly died and was buried outside of her window? At first I thought that I would make it about really lovely relationship, but soon realized (or was it my editor who told me?) that happy relationships are boring (to write or read about anyway). And then my brilliant editor had the idea to make the boyfriend already dead on page one. And so it went… (Only now, the cemetery is a few blocks from her house. It seemed like overkill to have it be right out her window.)

This may seem so obvious to everyone, but I was shocked at how much of my own personal life I could work into the book. I would love to do some sort of annotated manuscript or interactive website where you could click on a part of the book and it would tell you the real story behind the inspiration. For starters, the cemetery that the book takes place in is in my parents’ neighborhood. The dead boyfriend is made up of bits and pieces of people I’ve dated. An important photo that the main characters references a few times is based on an actual photo of me as a baby. Names of people in the book are based on people in my family. Even the ending is completely based on something that happened to me when I was about 17. Or at least it’s based on what I remember 13 years later.

More to come once I get comments from my editor!

Here's the first poem of my new book. Alas, the book still doesn't have a title.
This poem's still a work in progress. Just like with I Don't Want to Be Crazy, I am starting with a bit of a flashforward...

Enjoy!

PS: The first draft is due in less than 4 weeks...OMG!



I walk down my block
and then take a right turn.
Two more blocks
and I’ll be with Brian.
For the first time
in a long time,
I know he’ll be there
waiting for me.
I sit down on the grass next to him.
He has flowers,
but I know they’re not for me.
I wonder who gave them to him,
but I don’t ask.

I tell Brian about my day.
I say, “I saw your dad
at the supermarket.
I didn’t talk to him—
not like he knows who I am
and even if he did,
I wouldn’t know what to say.
I watched him
take things off the shelves,
look them over
and then put them back.
There was almost nothing
in his cart.
I wonder if he’s always been like that,
or just lately.”

I say, “I miss you.”
I ask if Brian missed me too,
then wait for his answer.
If that squirrel runs up that tree,
then Brian’s answer is yes.
If it stays on the grass,
his answer is no.

The squirrel doesn’t move,
and my breath catches in my throat.
After a moment,
it zips up the tree.
I smile and lay down
next to Brian.
I wish he would hold me
like he used to,
but he doesn’t.
The warm sun makes me drowsy
and I fall asleep on my side
next to Brian.

When I wake up,
grass is imprinted
on my arm and leg.
I get up and brush the grass off my clothes.
Brian doesn’t move.
I say, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I reach out to touch him.
My fingers make contact
with smooth, cold granite.
I trace my fingers
over the deeply imprinted words:

Brian Dennis
Born February 11
Died age seventeen
Beloved son and friend

Hey friends,

I’ll be doing a reading, talk, and book signing at the South Brunswick Public Library on Thursday April 30th from 7-8pm.

Hope to see you there!

http://www.sbpl.info/
South Brunswick Public Library
110 Kingston Lane
Monmouth Junction NJ 08852
TEL # 732-329-4000

Memoir fakers...not again!

Just reading about the latest memoir scandal perpetrated by Herman Rosenblat in his now cancelled Holocaust memoir Angels at the Fence. More here

Poor Oprah. (And poor me. She’s really never going to let memoirists on her show again.) In addition to talking up Angels at the Fence, she was also duped a few years ago by James Frey and his Million Little Pieces memoir about addiction.

You might ask, What’s the big deal? So these books are more fiction than fact? I can’t speak for Angels at the Fence since I haven’t read it, but I can explain why finding out Frey’s Million Little Pieces was a sham was such a big deal. MLP was amazing and raw and gross and inspiring and real. I had never read anything like it before, and I’d imagine most of the public had never either. It was very moving. It also really inspired me while I was writing my memoir because it was so courageous. MPL became a massive bestseller and sold millions of copies. It’s really sad to think of how many people were touched by his story and then let down.

I’ve been asked if my memoir is “real.” Yes. It is real. It all happened and I wrote it as I remembered it (which, of course, can have it’s flaws). I also had help from friends’ memories, medical records, school transcripts, and a whole lot of journals. There isn’t much dialogue in the book, but when it is used I tried to keep it natural to what would have happened—in other words, I know what I would have basically said in situations and I can assume the same for friends, family, etc. Don’t get me wrong, there’s certainly filler in my book to help the flow or create transitions. And maybe those things didn’t quite happen in that exact order or at that exact time, but it all happened.

People have great stories to tell—maybe they are wholly or partially based on real events or maybe they are entirely concocted—but let’s call them what they are. Memoir = real. Fiction = imaginary.

Here's a pic from the reading!



Come hear me do a FREE reading and Q&A in Oxford, CT.

Thursday, December 4, 2008
Time: 5:30pm - 7:00pm
Location: Oxford Public Library
486 Oxford Rd, Oxford, CT
Contact Info Phone: 2038886944
Email: www.oxfordlib.org

I'll be reading from my poetry memoir, I Don't Want to Be Crazy.

This is a true story of growing up, breaking down, and coming to grips with a psychological disorder. When Samantha Schutz first left home for college, she was excited by the possibilities--freedom from parents, freedom from a boyfriend who was reckless with her affections, freedom from the person she was supposed to be. At first, she reveled in the independence--but as pressures increased, she began to suffer anxiety attacks that would leave her mentally shaken and physically incapacitated. Thus began a hard road of discovery and coping, powerfully rendered in this poetry memoir.

Hope to see you there!
Sam

PS: Want me to come to your school or library? Just email me!

Whoo hoo!

I just got some great news...my editor bought my new book! Well, there's no actual book yet. Just a really long outline and some poems.

I think it will be out in Summer 2010. Okay, I know that sounds far, but it's not. It's practically 2009 now.

Check back for more info soon. I'll try to update about the writing process. And maybe even post some early poems.

Prepare yourself...the images below are from a collection of poems that I wrote (and illustrated!!!) in the 6th or 7th grade. I am equal parts amazed and embarrassed at the writing. I was one SERIOUS middle schooler.

Not included is an image of the contents page and dedication page. PS: It was dedicated to my dead dog. Seriously, I am laughing so hard right now I am about to cry.

Here's the cover. Note the spiffy red ribbon binding.


No clue what this was about. Maybe I had just learned about the Holocaust or something.

Hatred like a virus takes a long
time to develop.
Left untreated it can be dangerous
and hard to cure.
It grows bigger and stronger
infecting other victims.
More time passes, it grows
more serious, more powerful.
The final stage is reached it's
hard to be reversed.
The only cure, is time.

This poem is about the girlfriend of the boy I "loved."

She is a beast.
Ripping slowly at my insides,
yet leaving no trace of injury.
Her effects are everlasting
and untreatable.
It hurts to the point where
I want to die.
Yet there is no prescription for
my sickness, no pill, powder or
liquid.
Only her absence makes my
ailment fade.

Oh dear. I am laughing really hard again.

Love is like logic,
it can leave you lost.
But love can also resemble
life,
and leave you lucky.

No clue what this was about...

The window is the gate-
way to the outside world.
It can let in light when
you're sad
or chase the clouds away
when you're happy.
Such a simple pane of
glass has such a hard job.
To change your mood.

Wow. This is about death...pretty dark, but the fish and sun really lighten things up (or not).

I lay on the beach,
the sun beating down
on me.
The tide is slowly
coming in.
At first my feet get
wet, then my legs and
then before I know it
I'm totally submerged.
It is so peaceful
under the water,
with the fish and
coral reefs.
Down here I have no
need for air.
This is where I
belong.
This is where I want
to be.

Feel free to post amazing and embarrassing (or amazingly embarrassing) poems in the comments section below!

Below is a piece that I wrote for the LA Times about living with an anxiety disorder. Check it out!
Sam
------------
http://www.latimes.com/features/health/medicine/la-he-myturn22-2008sep22,0,6812450.story

MY TURN

Anxiety disorder leaves parts of life in limbo for author Samantha Schutz
But her commitment to therapy and willingness to try new medications to stave off panic attacks gives her ever-increasing control.

By Samantha Schutz, Special to The Times
September 22, 2008

In the last few years, whenever I tried to talk about my experiences with an anxiety disorder, I ran into the same problem. I couldn't describe myself as having an anxiety disorder because I'd gone months without having a panic attack. And I couldn't say I used to have an anxiety disorder because I still felt its effects.

Trying to find the right tense was more than just a matter of semantics. For many years, having an anxiety disorder shaped nearly every bit of my life -- where I went, who I went with, how long I stayed. I do not believe that anxiety disorder can be flipped off like a switch and, accordingly, simply using present or past tense did not accurately reflect how I was feeling. The body has an unbelievable capacity to remember pain, and my body was not ready to forget what I had been through.

It was only about a year ago that I settled on saying, "I am in recovery from anxiety disorder."

I was diagnosed with panic disorder a few months into my freshman year of college. My first attacks were scattered and seemingly without pattern. But it wasn't long before the attacks picked up speed and I was having several a day. I often felt nervous, not in control of my body, convinced that I was going to die. As the frequency of attacks increased, it became difficult to do normal things such as go to class, the dining hall or parties.

It was textbook panic disorder. Only I didn't know that. I thought I had gone crazy and that all the things I hoped for in my life -- that my parents hoped for -- were gone.

I am thankful that I possess two qualities: being forthcoming about my feelings and being proactive about my health. I believe these are a big part of the reason that I was able to ask for help. And getting help was surprisingly easy.

One fall afternoon, I went to my college's counseling center and asked for an appointment. Within days, I was seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist and was on medication.

That was more than 10 years ago. Since then, I have seen more than half a dozen therapists and taken as many medications. I have gone months without panic attacks and medication. I have also "relapsed" and nearly checked myself into a hospital.

I have been to yoga and meditation classes, swung tennis rackets at pillows, practiced the art of breathing, tried hypnosis and herbal remedies. And slowly, I've begun to do things that once seemed impossible -- going to crowded concerts or sitting with relative ease in a packed lecture hall.

People want to know why I'm better. They want to know the formula. This is not a simple question with a simple answer. For sure, hormonal changes, growing older, moving out of my parents' house and becoming more confident and secure with myself have all aided my recovery. The only thing I can say with certainty is that my commitment to therapy and my willingness to try new medications have made the most difference.

Samantha Schutz is a children's book editor in New York City and the author of "I Don't Want to Be Crazy," a book about her experiences. You can visit her at www.samanthaschutz.net.

Remember how a few months ago I said I was writing a new book? Well, up until very recently I haven't done very much (you know, aside from going to that dang full-time job I've got). Well, I can finally say that I am actually writing my new book. See? This photo proves it. Sort of, anyway.


Fiction is really challenging. People tell me that it should be easy compared to writing a memoir, but it's not. I didn't have to outline my memoir. I didn't have to come up with a plot or characters. I already knew it all. But writing fiction can be very overwhelming. I need to construct this world, filled with people who have actual lives and feelings... But I'm getting there. I've been working steadily for a few weeks and I pretty much think about the book, its plot, or the characters everyday. That NEVER happened before and I've been toying with the same concept for 2 years.

In short, this new book is about a teenage girl named Annaleah whose sort-of-boyfriend has just died. (They would hook up and hang out, but he was a flake and never called and could never really be depended on. But when they were together, just the two of them, it felt perfect. Special.) The first page of the book takes place the morning of his funeral.

Right now I have about 17 typed pages of poems. The pic above is from my journal. I use it on the subway during my commute, if the mood strikes.

The inspiration for this book came from a lot of different places:
* The first is an experience I had when I was about 19. One of my closest friend's friend died suddenly. While I had only met her a few times, it had a huge imapct on me. (this is in my memoir)
* Another inspiration comes from my general fascination with loss and death and how people deal with each. Okay, let's not mince words . . . what I actually mean is my fear of death.
* The next reason it pretty simple. I've had a few "sort-of-boyfriends" and have plenty of experiences to draw from.
* The last reason (for now anyway) is that there are people who I've dated (or been friends with) who are no longer part of my life. I don't talk to them or see them and that feels like a death to me.

I think I might post some early poems from the book. That, and scanned images of a collection of poems I wrote AND illustrated when I was in 6th grade. There's a good chance it might make you laugh so hard you'll cry.