A very nice review from School Library Journal!!!

School Library Journal, January 2007

In this “memoir in verse,” Schutz comes to terms with an anxiety disorder that surfaced and plagued her throughout and after her college years. Readers accompany the author from the summer after high school, through college, on a semester abroad in Paris, and into her first job after graduation. Typical early-adulthood issues such as boyfriends, sex, drinking, grades, and family are woven throughout her struggle with physically and mentally debilitating panic attacks. The author had the courage and wisdom to seek professional help and embarked on a long and often bumpy road to treating her disorder. The decision to write in verse proves fitting; in the scenes in which a panic attack is approaching, for example, the short lines of text echo the breathless terror described within. Though the book begins to feel repetitive toward its conclusion, the repetition simultaneously reflects the cyclical nature of Schutz’s disorder and one’s college years. Aptly, the book ends without absolute closure, and while luckily not all teens will find themselves in identical situations, many young people transitioning to adulthood will find a part of themselves in this overwhelming, and seemingly never-ending, search for self-identity.

–Jill Heritage Maza, Greenwich High School, CT

Yippie!
I was nominated for these two library booklists:

American Library Association Best Books For Young Adults
American Library Association Quick Picks for Reluctant Young Adult Readers

Thanks to all who nominated me!
Hopefully I will get listed!

www.ala.org/yalsa/booklists

UPDATE: You can read a transcript of the chat here:
http://www.realmentalhealth.com/

Hi all,
I will be moderating a chat at realmentalhealth.com on TUESDAY oct 10th at 9pm (EST).
I'll be talking (writing?) about my book and anxiety disorder. Hope you'll stop by and check it out.

Thanks!

Last night Ned Vizzini and I read to a packed house at KGB Bar in NYC. Clearly, I read from I Don't Want to Be Crazy. Ned read from It's Kind of a Funny Story, a semi-autobiographical novel about a teen boy hospitalized for depression.
http://www.nedvizzini.com/

Contrary to how it may sound (anxiety + depression = big downer) it was a really good time. Ned is hilarious. He's also a very talented writer and speaker. There was also a great crowd there--lots of friends, co-workers, and strangers. I like strangers.

A nice surprise was the appearance of Wess "Mongo" Jolley from IndieFeed Podcast Network. He created a podcast of my reading. 16 minutes of me reading from Part I of my memoir. It's all Samantha all the time! You can put me inside your little ipod and take me with you. How super is that?!

As of 8/24 you can get the podcast for FREE using the info below. I'll do my best to add it to my myspace page or something, but I'm not so savvy with these newfangled electronics.

Also, photos of the event to come soon...

To get the podcast:
Subscribe via iTunes:
http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?id=120373332&s=143441

Subscribe via an aggregator such as Juice or iPodder (paste this link into your aggregator) : http://feeds.feedburner.com/IndiefeedPerformancePoetry

Or, if you want to just download one show at a time, you can do that through our site:
http://performancepoetry.indiefeed.com/

I have been reluctant to post random happenings in my blog, but today I was struck by something so bizarre that I had to write about it.

Today I had lunch with a co-worker at a Thai restaurant in Soho. It's called Peep. Lovely atmosphere, if a little loud, and the food was delicious and well priced. I hadn't thought of the name much . . . except for making a brief connection to those marshmallow chicks . . . until I went to the bathroom.

The two bathrooms doors were flush with the back wall of the restaurant. A little weird to walk into the bathroom next to a table, but not the end of the world. When I went inside I had some trouble finding the light. I turned around to keep looking, and was BEYOND shocked to find that I had a view of the ENTIRE restaurant! I froze. What that fuck? I thought. I tried to remind myself that the exterior of the wall was mirrored, but it didn't help much. [I kept questioning if they really had been mirrored, or if I just thought they were.] I stood there for a moment, watching people eat and waiters running around. Was I seriously supposed to pee while looking at 50 strangers . . .who were eating?

Needless to say I have never peed so quickly or with so much anxiety in life.

So, that's it.
Happy Friday.

I hope you all get to pee in peace this weekend.

sam

I feel like it's my birthday! I just saw these two reviews and couldn't be happier!

"A young author makes a stunning debut with this poetry memoir documenting her personal battle with anxiety disorder and the incapacitating panic attacks that first struck during college. Schutz bares all but is never tedious as she documents the difficulties of finding a good doctor and the right medication while struggling to finish college and set her own course apart from her parents. Anxiety disorders affect an estimated 13 percent of the adult population of the U.S., and Schutz performs a valuable service with this firsthand account of the torment they experience."
--The Buffalo News

"[Schutz's] tale is related in an intimate poetry memoir that is compelling and informative."
--Detroit Free Press

My next reading is going to be super.

I am reading with Ned Vizzini, author of It's Kind of a Funny Story, a semi-autobiographical novel about a teen hospitalized for depression.

You might be thinking, "Anxiety and depression . . . what a downer." But I can promise there's also a healthy dose of humor in there, too.

August 22, 2006

7pm

KGB Bar: 85 East 4th Street

www.samanthaschutz.net

www.nedvizzini.com

www.kgbbar.com

From Scholastic.com

“This week at Scholastic headquarters in New York, Trade publishing editor Samantha Schutz told co–workers about some of her greatest personal struggles. No, this wasn’t an impromptu group therapy session, but a "Library Lunchtime Talk" during which Schutz gave one of the first public readings of I Don’t Want to Be Crazy, a poetry memoir about her struggle with anxiety disorder. Released this month under the Scholastic PUSH imprint, the book is already on The Poetry Foundation’s top ten Children’s Best Sellers list.

Introducing the Scholastic employee and first–time author, Scholastic editorial director and executive editor David Levithan said, “Some people use words to hide themselves, others to find themselves. Samantha has used words to find herself, and is brave enough to share them with others.” And share she did, reading poems that describe—sometimes breath to breath—the panic attacks that intensified during her freshman year in college. Based on journals she kept throughout her college years, the poems vividly convey what the experience of an anxiety attack is like—and describe how Schutz learned to cope, with help from campus health services, a therapist, and a psychiatrist.

Schutz recommends this very personal memoir to readers age 14 and up. She is currently talking with representatives of psychiatric associations, clinics, and other interested groups about how her book can be used as a tool to help the thousands of children and adolescents who have anxiety disorder.

You can read more about I Don’t Want To Be Crazy on scholastic.com, and check out her biography while you’re there. Samantha’s personal website has excerpts from her book, links to info resources on anxiety disorder and other mental health concerns, and news about her upcoming readings and events. You can also find out about the Scholastic PUSH imprint, which is dedicated to new authors and new voices, at thisispush.com.”

Last night I had my book party in NYC. It was amazing. I am so lucky to have oodles of friends and family--and even strangers--that came out to support me.

Many thanks to everyone who made it to my party and thanks to all who support me from afar.

luv,

samie

This is my "People Have Problems...and So Do You" booklist.

I know I am forgetting some amazing books, but will add more soon. Feel free to add comments of other books I forgot.

Teen Angst? Naaah...: A Quasi-Autobiography
Ned Vizzini
A collection of essays written by the author from age fifteen to seventeen in which he shares impressions of school, sports, cool people, boring people, friends, family, money, music, and obsessions.

It's Kind of a Funny Story
Ned Vizzini
Craig Gilner is a gifted 15-year-old boy who works hard to get into a fiercely competitive high school, then crumbles under the intense academic pressure. Blindsided by his inability to excel and terrified by thoughts of suicide, Craig checks into a psychiatric hospital where he finally gets the help he needs.

Luna
Julie Anne Peters
"This novel sensitively portrays the life of a transgender teen through the eyes of a sympathetic younger sister," wrote PW.

Skin
Adrienne Maria Vrettos
Fourteen-year-old Donnie's older sister, Karen, has always been the one person in his life on whom he could totally depend. But as Karen slowly slips away in the grip of an eating disorder, Donnie finds himself alone in facing the trauma of his parents' faltering marriage and his new life as an outcast at school.

Burn Journals
Brent Runyon
Runyon's first-person account of his close brush with death and his painful rehabilitation is reminiscent of Girl, Interrupted and Running with Scissors.

Talking in the Dark
Billy Merrell
Merrell lays open the journal of his life, taking readers with him through his parents' divorce, his awakening sexuality, and his quest to find love and acceptance while discovering himself in the process.

Perfect
Natasha Friend
Following the death of her father, a thirteen-year-old uses bulimia as a way to avoid her mother's and ten-year-old sister's grief, as well as her own.

Cut
Patricia McCormick
While confined to a mental hospital, thirteen-year-old Callie slowly comes to understand some of the reasons behind her self-mutilation, and gradually starts to get better.

Crank
Ellen Hopkins
This devastating story, told in poetry, is even more frightening because it is based on the author's own experiences with her addicted daughter.

Wild Roses
Deb Caletti
Seventeen-year-old Cassie Morgan has a secret: She's living with a time bomb (a.k.a. her stepfather, Dino Cavalli). To the public, Dino is a world-renowned violinist and composer. To Cassie, he's an erratic, self-centered bully.

Stop Pretending: What Happened when My Big Sister Went Crazy
Sonya Sones
A younger sister has a difficult time adjusting to life after her older sister has a mental breakdown.

Speak
Laurie Halse Anderson
When Melinda Sordino's friends discover she called the police to quiet a party, they ostracize her, turning her into an outcast -- even among kids she barely knows. But even worse than the harsh conformity of high-school cliques is a secret that you have to hide.

Smack
Melvin Burgess
After running away from their troubled homes, two English teenagers move in with a group of squatters in the port city of Bristol and try to find ways to support their growing addiction to heroin.

Damage
Amanda M. Jenkins
Seventeen-year-old football hero Austin, trying to understand the inexplicable depression that has drained his interest in life, thinks that he has found relief in a girl who seems very special.

Shattering Glass
Gail Giles
When Rob, the charismatic leader of the senior class, turns the school nerd into Prince Charming, his actions lead to unexpected violence.

You Remind Me Of You
Eireann Corrigan
Struggling for years with eating disorders, in and out of treatment facilities, Eireann Corrigan is teetering on the brink of no return when her high school boyfriend attempts suicide.

Detour: My Bipolar Road Trip in 4-D
Lizzie Simon
What is it like to be "bipolar"? Lizzie Simon, a 23-year-old afflicted with this form of mental ailment, goes on a road trip in search of others like her and tells all in this frank and surprising memoir.

Kissing Doorknobs
Terry Spencer Hesser, A. J. Allen (Afterword)
Fourteen-year-old Tara describes how her increasingly strange compulsions begin to take over her life and affect her relationships with her family and friends.

Just Checking
Emily Colas
A frank and funny first-person account of living with obsessive-compulsive disorder.

panicdisorder.about.com gave me a really nice review. Thanks Cathleen!

"With raw honesty, Samantha Schutz tells of her personal struggles with panic disorder in I Don't Want to Be Crazy. Framing her journey within her years at college, Schutz writes of her experiences in verse. Easily accessible, the poetry engages the reader instantly and captures the intensity of life with panic disorder. While I Don't Want to Be Crazy often is emotionally painful, the underlying message is one of hope."

Pros
Writing style draws the reader in, from the start
Author's honesty about struggles and triumphs keeps the reader connected
The poetry is emotionally engaging, and the reader feels the author's ups and downs with her.

Cons
There really are no cons -- but readers seeking a "cure" may be disappointed

Description
A memoir written in verse, the book captures and relates emotion in ways that prose would not.
The author accurately depicts the intensity of panic, often inducing emotion in the reader.
For the young panic sufferer, Schutz's memoir provides insight and information.
Ultimately, the book is about asking for help. Schutz shows how she does it and why it's OK.

Guide Review
Samantha Schutz did not experience her first panic attack in college, but it was there that her attacks intensified enough to make her take notice. And then they intensified enough to change her way of living and her way of thinking about herself and the world.

I Don't Want to Be Crazy is Schutz's poetic account of her emotional journey from college freshman year to her first jobs after graduation. From the beginning, Schutz wrestles with many of the same hopes and fears every young person faces. Early in her freshman year, however, Schutz begins to experience intense panic attacks and has no idea what is happening until she winds up at her school's counseling center.

To a reader with an anxiety disorder, the most valuable aspect of I Don't Want to Be Crazy is the author's honesty. Schutz is truthful about every last fear she has, even when, in the past, she was sure she would be considered a "freak" should anyone know what was happening inside her. Schutz is truthful about therapy and medication; for her, there was no overnight cure, just as there isn't for many of us. Finally, Schutz is truthful about why she keeps fighting, about why she believes she is worth it.

I Don't Want to Be Crazy adeptly captures the pain and frustration of panic disorder in a way that captivates the reader from start to finish. At the same time, Schutz lets us know that there is hope:

I had my first reading on Wednesday and it went really well. I thought I was going to be nervous, but I was surprisingly calm. I'm sure it didn't hurt that every time I looked into the audience I saw family members and close friends.

I read a section from Part III, when I am studying abroad in Paris.

I just need to put a little space
between me and the panic.
I need a little bit of calm
so I can get a grip
and hold on to something,
to pull myself up and out.

THANK YOU to everyone who came out to support me.

More NYC readings!

Can't come see me on June 28th @ Teabag Poet's Lounge....here's one more chance.

Tuesday July 11th, 7pm--FREE
Bluestockings
172 Allen Street [between Stanton and Rivington]
http://www.bluestockings.com/

Bluestockings is a radical bookstore, fair trade cafe, and activist center in the Lower East Side of Manhattan. Come support them . . . and me.

I am already getting fan mail!

I think it is completely amazing that I am already getting fan mail!
I have only written a few fan emails, and there were all after I had a book deal--as if that gave me some sort of credibility...

I think it's really courageous to send an email to a stranger, praising them, without the certainty that you'll get a reply. But I suppose the reply is secondary. . . sharing how the work made you feel is the important part.

"When I read some of your book, I didn't feel alone anymore."

"Your words described some of my own experiences so precisely, it made me look back at those times and appreciate how far I've come, how much stronger I am, and how much I've grown."

"I felt like I was reading my own journal entries from years ago when I struggled with anxiety attacks. Thank you SO MUCH for writing your book. I hope young people who are fighting their own battles with the consuming anxiety and fear will read your book and find comfort. I wish I had read this when I was going through my hell."

For many years, having an anxiety disorder shaped nearly every bit of my life...

For the last few years, whenever I tried to talk about my experience with anxiety disorder, I ran into the same problem. I couldn’t describe myself as having an anxiety disorder because I’d gone months without having a panic attack. And I couldn’t say I had an anxiety disorder because I still felt its effects.

Trying to find the right verb was more than just semantics. For many years, having an anxiety disorder shaped nearly every bit of my life—where I went, who I went with, how long I stayed. I do not believe that anxiety disorder can be flipped off like a switch, and accordingly, simply using past or present tense did not accurately reflect how I was feeling. The body has an unbelievable capacity to remember pain, and my body was not ready to forget what I had been through. It was only about a year ago that I settled on saying, “I am in recovery from anxiety disorder.”

I was diagnosed with panic disorder only a few months into my freshman year of college. My first attacks were scattered and seemingly without pattern. But it wasn’t long before the attacks picked up speed and I was having several a day. I often felt nervous, not in control of my body, and convinced that I was going to die. As their frequency increased, it became difficult to do normal things like go to class, the dining hall, or parties.

It was textbook panic disorder. Only I didn’t know that. I thought I had gone crazy and that all the things I hoped for in my life—that my parents hoped for—were gone and that I’d become one of those stories (the one about the nice young girl who goes off to college with a bright future and comes home with a fistful of pills and a blank look on her face).

I am thankful that I possess two qualities: being forthcoming about my feelings and being proactive about my health. I believe that these qualities are a big part of the reason that I was able to ask for help. And getting help was surprisingly easy. One fall afternoon I went to my college’s counseling center and asked for an appointment. Within days I was seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist and was on medication.

That was ten years ago. Since that fall, I have seen more than a half dozen therapists and taken as many different medications. I’ve had two episodes where I nearly checked myself into a hospital. I have been to yoga and meditation classes, swung tennis rackets at pillows, practiced the art of breathing, tried hypnosis, and taken herbal remedies. I’ve done things that once seemed impossible—like going to crowded concerts or sitting with relative ease in a packed lecture hall. I’ve also gone many months at a time without panic attacks or medication. Most recently, I published I Don’t Want to Be Crazy, a memoir about my experiences with panic disorder.

People want to know why I’m better. They want to know the formula. Again, this is not a simple question with a simple answer. For sure, fluctuating hormones, growing older, moving out of my parents’ house, and becoming more confident and secure with myself have all impacted my recovery. The only thing I can say with certainty is that my commitment to therapy and my willingness to try new medications has made the most difference.

I Don't Want to Be Crazy readings in NYC

I'll be doing a short reading with several other poets at Silk Road Café/Teabag Poets Lounge.The second one is at KGB with Ned Vizzini, a super author. If you can only make it to one event, this is the one to go to.

Wednesday, June 28th
8:00-10:00 p.m.
Silk Road Café/Teabag Poets Lounge
30 Mott Street
$1 at the door, with $5 drink minimum
www.teabagnyc.com/poetslounge.shtml

Thursday, July 20th7:00-9:00 p.m. [CANCELLED, WILL BE AT END OF AUGUST]
FREE Reading
[also with Ned Vizzini, author of Its Kind of Funny Story www.nedvizzini.com]
KGB Bar
85 East 4th Street
www.kgbbar.com

I Don't Want to Be Crazy is in College Bound magazine

An amazing ad in the summer issue of College Bound magazine. http://www.collegebound.net/

I'm on seventeen.com

My book is on Seventeen magazine's Web site!!!
http://www.seventeen.com/funstuff/games/

Which must-read book should be on your summer reading list? Take this quiz for a list of six exciting books that you won't be able to put down!

My book falls under the DRAMA category:
You thrive on hearing the latest gossip and juicy secrets! That's why we know you'll be into books with a mix of romance and drama all rolled into one!

What they say about my book:
A true story, this book is about coming to grips with a psychological disorder. When Samantha first left home for college, she thought she was leaving behind all the things that were holding her back from independence -- her parents, her boyfriend and the person she was supposed to be. But, as new pressures in her life increase, Samantha begins to suffer from anxiety attacks that leave her shaken and even physically incapacitated. She then heads on a journey down the road to discovery, learning to cope with her new disorder.

Sightings!

There has been a sighting! A writer from Arizona bought my book in Borders.
So, this makes it officially ON SALE!

I'll have to go to my local book store to see it for myself...